I'm glad I'm not alone in sensing the strain between us. I agree, something needs to happen. What that is, though, is beyond me, because no change seems acceptable to one of us.

When we last talked, I felt as though when you said one of us needs to change, you meant me, alone. When you hear me talk, you think I mean you, alone, needs to change. If either of us really means that, then we're wrong, because I know that won't cause any solution that is lasting.

It disturbs me a great deal that you don't think I want to work through this. Maybe when I say that you could do a lot better than me and that I am no good for you, and you should find someone who lives down the street or across town, instead of halfway across the country, I am looking out for you. As someone told me, set somebody free, and if they don't come back to you, then they were never yours to begin with, you know?

I want you in my life. You mean a lot to me, you really do. I just don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I've said it all, and it isn't being heard by you. Perhaps you think the same thing about me, that I am not hearing what you say. Maybe I'm not. Maybe we need to try harder.

It comes down to the fact that I feel like I'm getting just your leftover time. It seems like I can only have whatever you have remaining between when you happen to come around, 10:00 PM, 11:00 PM, midnight, until you happen to fall unconscious so you can do it all over again. And sometimes I feel like you're trying to tell me that even that is too much, because you tell me how you are operating like a zombie, and you worry what I would think if I didn't see you for a while, or if you get tied up doing other things I will disappear.

I miss when we used to spend hours together talking, trading remembrances, sharing. These discussions weren't prefaced by "And by the way, I need to get in bed early, I have an early meeting tomorrow" or somesuch. We just had them, we were together. I loved it, I wish we could have it again.

I knew we couldn't keep that up forever, though. You have things you have to do, I have things I have to do. But I feel like you have your career, theatre, things there, and I really just get the spare time here and there. It hurts. Sometimes I feel like there's no room there for me, or that I'm not as important as the rest. Maybe I'm not, I don't know.

Also, I can't keep staying up until late waiting for you to show up. I need to be able to get up early in the mornings so I can walk and work on myself, too, get my physical and mental health in line. I need to get up so I can get back out of this house and find work since contract work has pretty much dried up, whether I feel like I'm ready or can do a good job or not. I need to put myself on a schedule to get some control over my life, my moods, my mind.

I know what you'll say -- that you're not making me wait for you until late night. Don't you think I want to spend time with you though? Don't you think you are important to me? Unfortunately, to do the right thing for myself, I am going to have to stop doing that, and I wish we could make some other arrangements.

I know if I were near you, local to you, we could share so much more time. We could be together a lot more during your activities, we could do things together, there wouldn't have to be a your time, a my time and an our time, at least not the way there is now. And when I tell you maybe you're better off with someone locally, it's thinking about that, and what it would mean to you to spend your time with someone.

I want to feel important in your life, and not just a "hobby" that you indulge in late at night before you fall sleep. If I am not important in your life, if I don't mean more than that, then maybe there is nothing to talk about.

Not to mention that I still have issues about your trust of me. Just because I relented doesn't mean those issues go away. I know you have your reasons, and they are extremely valid reasons. I just know that sometimes they make me feel sad, because I wish I meant enough to you that you could look past them, believe in me a little more than that. I'd like to be able to call and see if you're late if you don't show up, or drop you a note in your pop email box, because I have this feeling that you probably check it every day, although I know from experience you don't go to the trouble of checking your webmail account every day. I'd like to send you a copy of a book or a CD of music that I picked out just for you.

What I hate about writing all this is that I feel like bringing these things up makes me feel selfish as Hell. I know you do the things you do because you need to, or you feel obligated sometimes. Where do I fit into this? Do I matter?

Insecurity through obscurity.

In turn, I am trying to stop questioning you about your feelings and believe what you say. You have to understand -- right now I feel like I'm so much less than nothing. I feel like I'm starting all over again, and that scares me. I should be getting established at this age, and I'm starting all over. Again. What could someone as wonderful as you want with somebody who's in that sort of predicament?

But I'm going to try to be more sensitive to your feelings and needs. I'm not telling you all this to make demands. I am telling you all this so that you can know what I'm feeling, and if you don't understand, or just can't... [sigh]

I miss you, babe. I need you to make time for me. I need you to really trust me. Soon. That's all I'm saying.

All my love, for my Love,
Restless

restlessmind