Once I downloaded forms and worked the math, I actually owe $136.00.

This is the story of my life. Denied.

I know, I shouldn't have counted on that money, but I did. I got other things, thinking, "oh, that's okay - there'll always be my income tax refund," which I always get. Last year I got over $900.00. Apparently my raise put a damper on that.

So, again, I put off the things I need or want.

I told Marilynn I wanted broadband. We've been here in Houston's high-speed availability sweet spot for almost a year, and I'm on dialup. Worse than that, I hear her gripe constantly that the phone is always busy because I'm online.

Now, because of lack of funds, we're going to end up renewing our lease, but I won't be able to contract for a year of DSL unless I get the crappy PPPoE offering from Southwestern Bell that we can pay month to month sometime later in the year commitment, which I don't want. Still, I can't afford a firewall/router, networking equipment, etc. Also, with that I can't run my own servers and the like.

I thought to myself, "oh, we can just get DSL anyway. We'll find a way to get it." I called up the provider I'd like to use, but hung up when my responsible side kicked in. "We have debts. You need to take care of medical things first. You just came back from the allergist armed with knowledge that you need to spend a small fortune to handle your allergies, and you haven't even gotten the bill for the emergency room visit yet. Hang up the phone, fool."

So I did. I'm going to deny myself the things I've wanted or needed yet again.

This isn't the only thing I've been denied. Time is a big one.

Friends and family constantly ask me to work on their computers. I'm tired of getting calls all the time asking my help and advice. Just this last Saturday, Marilynn and I spent our Saturday helping a friend of mine with a decrepit computer who needs it because it's his conduit to his spare income. I can't do any radical changes to his machine because it has his business records on it, but at the same time, I can't fix it if I can't do radical changes.

Therefore, I've decided to announce to my friends and family that there is a new support policy - they need to learn to take care of their own computers. I don't have the time to maintain my own stuff and work on things for myself while I work on theirs, so I will have to take care of what's important to me: namely, myself.

Selfish? Yes? Am I entitled? Yes, I think so.

I think that I'm just tired of doing the selfless path. It's time to be focused on what I need and want, lead my life. The fact is, I've never really done that. When I have, it's been great, but once Marilynn moved here, it wasn't my life again, it was ours. That did away with leading my life the way I needed to lead it.

I'm not sure she's all that interested in me leading my life the way I would find it most rewarding. A lot of it has to do with me working on things that interest me and spending a lot of time working (albeit, largely at home). I wish she didn't see it as a challenge to our relationship, but saw it as me feeling fulfilled.

I also wish that there was a way that we could meet our needs and also have some of these extras. She always says she wishes we had a cell phone; she wishes we had cable. I want broadband. She wants more furniture and would like for us to buy a house and we need to save to get married. I'm really mystified where all this money is going to come from. Either we stop going and doing anything, especially eating out, or we do those things and don't have the things we want. Seems simple, but I don't think we're going to be pleased with either, because I like going out and doing things, same as the next person, as does she.

The key? If we saved enough a month not going out to get satellite TV and broadband, then I could have my high speed, and do more coding and development; potentially, I could parlay some of that into some income. She could spend time with the television. We'd get out a lot less, but you know what? Life sucks that way. I don't know if that's agreeable to either of us, though, but I'd be willing to try. (The problem is, once you have the TV and broadband, you can't change your mind and stop - you're paying those bills now, too.)

I guess it's good I listen to my responsible side, but it's certainly not much fun.

restlessmind