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ReCkLeSs (a flashback to August 3-4, 1999)
20:00:00 on 1999-12-28
I send her a message and ask why she's online, I thought she was going to be gone?
"Reckless is dead."
Whoa. Back the truck the Hell up. This was the last thing you expect someone to say in the same sense as you'd never expect to see someone who's fallen from the top of a sixty-story building getting up off the pavement, dusting themselves off and going on about their business as though nothing had happened.
ReCkLeSs is one of the founders of the support group. It was an offshoot of this other group I connected to on accident, formed from a schism from some controversy between the people who ran it and the users. He had been diagnosed with cancer before I ever came to the group and had been conspicuously absent as a result, so I never got to know him very well. He had been making a few recent visits to the group lately, however, and was telling everybody he was making a comeback.
So... this can't be right. This can't be true. This can't be Coconut, she's moving into her new house... what kind of sick joke is this?, I wonder to myself. I'm about to let them have it, until I check to see where they're connected from and, sure enough, it's her. This is no joke.
"No way! When? How?" I ask, still in a state of disbelief. No response.
So, I connect to the regular group to find out what's going on. She's there, with ReCkLeSs's sister and another group member. She is telling about how he had a brain hemorrhage of some sort, he hadn't been taking his blood pressure medication, was found on the floor, has no brain activity, was probably being pulled off life support by his father the next day. A pall falls over my thoughts like a dense, choking fog.
Tabitha, another member of the support group, shows up on ICQ. I kind-of pull a Coconut on her, too, messaging her: "Sigh. I just heard ReCkLeSs died." Not a good move, considering the discussion we'd had the night before about suicide, pros, cons, why we consider it for ourselves, but would never want others to consider it because we see so much in them.
Tabitha promptly freaks out from the news. She makes a brief appearance in the support room to find out more details (at that time, I didn't have too many, myself) and leaves upset. (In fact, as I write this, I am waiting for her to come back - she said she was going offline to pull herself together and should be back soon. I hope she's okay.)
Finally, I, too, leave - I don't know what to say or think. I have no words, and it's a struggle to write this. I didn't know ReCkLeSs that well and am in a state of shock, there's no other way to put it. This time last night, I was thinking seriously about snuffing out my own existence, and now I'm sorry for somebody else who has had the same thing happen, albeit not of his own reasons. My perspective changed, just like that.
I am angry with myself. Angry that I never got to know him better. Angry that I never let him "in" the couple of times he asked if I needed to talk to someone when I was upset and he was around.
I'm angry that I was selfish, in that for a long time I have felt like something of an "outsider" in this group, an outsider looking in. ReCkLeSs, being one of the founders, was something of an ultimate insider, he knew everybody. Everybody liked him, and even though I hear from several that everybody likes me, too... well, it's hard for me to accept that sometimes (I don't like myself, why would anybody else?). And I was always afraid that when he came back I'd be even more outside than I had been, even though I know he had problems in his life and needed the support. I can't believe now, that I could think these things about someone.
And sometimes, when he came online, I would leave the channel right before he came in. Avoiding him, because of that jealousy. Jealousy that he was a good friend of Hypochondria's and Crafty's and others way before they even knew I existed, and I felt like they would rather have spent time with him, than me.
And now I can't even make amends for that. Just like I can't make amends to the others I've wronged, even if only in my mind, who have passed on, or out of my life completely.
My thoughts are with you and your family, ReCkLeSs, wherever you are. Most people I get close to know I don't have any religious convictions, and believe that our minds are just a result of the complex adaptive system that is our brain, so when you die, you're just gone... but I hope this time that that's not the case, so maybe someday I can get to know you better.
August 4, 1999
Are they being serious? Are they saying these things because they feel it? Or are they saying them because it's expected for them to say them? I feel like they are expecting me to say them, too, but I didn't know him that well, I don't have the words. I didn't even have the words to speak about my own grandfather.
Why don't I feel like everyone else does? Sure, I feel badly for him and his family. I know everybody who knew him well feels the loss. I guess I'm just defective.
I am still angry with myself. Angry as Hell. Yesterday I was gone from the house, working on the contract gig, and couldn't help but think about a few things over and over.
First, I kept wondering, "how does this affect me?" I have a rocky relationship with my emotional state as it is, and I know that this will be a real problem. I hate how this death is causing upset in the support group. I feel like everybody else is drawing closer and I'm that outsider again, looking in. I feel like they're closing the window blinds, too...
Plus, I feel bad that I'm not there for Hypochondria. She was especially close to ReCkLeSs. She is going to be feeling this moreso than many of the rest, and I wish I could provide comfort and support. Unfortunately, I think Charles Manson would be a more welcome supporter than I would be.
In a way, I wish I could be there for her. Be her "knight in shining armor." Be the one that can give her some strength to see through this. And what sucks most of all is that deep down I am afraid she'll see this and think that I just want to play off her emotional vulnerabilities.
I am very worried about her. She's not been seen or heard from, and I'm afraid that she isn't taking it well at all. The thought of her drawing back into a dark place, alone, is hard to bear.
As for myself, I'm starting to cloister myself away from the support group. Even when I'm there, I don't speak - I am quiet. I don't feel that it's my place to say much since I'm something of an outsider. I don't know if I'm afraid to say anything to anyone there for fear of being castigated or otherwise being slapped down, or if I am just tired of spreading my petty problems around to others. Or perhaps I'm just tired of driving people away? I don't know.
I guess the selfish nature of most of my reaction makes me a monster of sorts. I can't feel pain for someone else, instead I have to feel pain for myself and how they're going to affect me.
To tell the truth, I am really expecting a good deal of negative repercussions from even admitting anything like this. People will think I'm "monster boy;" inappropriate feelings tend to make people think that. The evil that lurks in the hearts of men, and all that. So perhaps I'll get burned at the stake.
And oddly enough, that last paragraph is an example of even more worrying about how all this will affect me. I deserve everything I get.
(an excerpt)
I log into my ISP and fire up my the client software that connects me to the support group. It connects me to another one without my realizing it right away because that was the last place I was actually connected. I see Coconut, someone who was supposed to be gone for a while, moving.
(an excerpt)
I'm not coping with the guilt I'm feeling with regards to how I felt about ReCkLeSs, and associated feelings. Everyone's so deeply upset. Others who hadn't known him that long or didn't ever get a chance to really know him that well are eulogizing him in public like their best friend.
Ancient history:2013-03-01 "You'll be stone dead in a moment!" 2007-08-07 I covet fuck you money 2007-07-16 My own long, dark tea-time of the soul 2007-07-11 My internet experience is lacking 2007-07-10 Coincidence
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