Make me a friend on Twitter.
"No."
02:00:00 on 1999-10-26
This is a song about Susan
I was just drifting around online after doing some stuff to add myself to a journaling webring and a 'burb, and Gurugrrl came online. She specifically told me yesterday that she wouldn't be on tonight. However, around 2:30 AM her time, she shows up, and immediately asks me what I'm doing up (at the same time I ask her).
Apparently, she "can't sleep." I asked her if she was just getting in from a hot date. She ignored the comment entirely. And she took another day off work.
We talk, although I am in a strained mood from the last couple days, and she says she is in one, too, but won't talk about it. She's tired of talking about her problems, supposedly. I comment on a few things, and flat out ask her about this strain between us, but she thinks we just shouldn't talk about it.
She claimed nothing was wrong, though. At least, indirectly. Something's wrong, though, I can sense it.
As she was leaving, the reason for which I am assuming is that she was upset with me for feeling this way, for being a little cold when thinking about the possibility of what's going through her head, I asked if she'd be around tonight.
"No." Short, sweet and to the point.
And then she said goodbye with a smile.
Maybe there's a message here. I'm not sure what it is.
Maybe it's telling me that I should quit worrying, I should just know how she feels, accept it, believe her. But something tells me to try to read between the lines.
Perhaps there is something suggesting to me, in my mind, and in hers, too, that we should give this up because we are so distant and now we don't seem to come together on these infernal contraptions anymore. We don't even talk on the phone these days. I can't remember the last time I got an email from her, although I can't even really say anything, I don't send her any, either.
Maybe it's all the sideband signals I'm getting, like hearing a song about a girl who quits spending time with somebody she claims she's interested in, but has a boyfriend on the side.
Or talking to a friend about problems she's having with a man she met online and is living with.
And thinking that maybe I'd be better off if I withdrew from this online existence I've had for almost twenty years and spend time with the three-dimensional people for a change. Wondering why I can't get the concentration together to work on code or a site or on anything for any length of time anymore.
Or a short email exchange I had with a correspondent who emailed me about my journal. I asked her what she thought. I meant about the journal, but she thought about my relationship with Gurugrrl. And maybe she's right, that Gurugrrl has too much going on in her life at once, and this is what will have to fall by the wayside.
Even just the simple fact that Gurugrrl can't even talk to me about this problem she's having, but supposedly I'm important to her.
I think I have to beg to differ on that point.
I asked her if we were getting distant. But maybe the question is that we ought to be.
I am the first to admit that I am saying all this and am upset right now. I also know when she reads this she's probably going to hit the ceiling.
I guess right now I don't care. I'm tired of walking on eggshells, as Crafty would say.
I don't know if it's my current paranoia streak or what. But something isn't right.
"So Much For the Afterglow"
Album: "So Much For the Afterglow", Everclear
Written by Art Alexakis
This is a song about the girl next door
This is a song about the everyday occurances that make you feel like letting go
Yes I think we've got a problem
So much for the afterglow
This is a song about Susan
This is a song about the way things are
This is a song about the scary things you see from the corner of your eyes
Don't you wonder why?
We never talk about the future
We never talk about the past anymore
We never ask ourselves the questions to the answers that nobody even wants to know
I guess the honeymoon is over
So much for the afterglow
I remember we could talk about anything
I remember when we used to want to hang out
We never talk about the future
We never talk about the past anymore
We never ask ourselves the questions to the answers that nobody even wants to know
Oh well oh well oh well
So much for the afterglow
Oh well oh well oh well
Yes I guess we need the drama
So much for the afterglow
Ancient history:2013-03-01 "You'll be stone dead in a moment!" 2007-08-07 I covet fuck you money 2007-07-16 My own long, dark tea-time of the soul 2007-07-11 My internet experience is lacking 2007-07-10 Coincidence
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