I was online, glued to Pegasus trying to follow somebody's esoteric train of thought on the Extropians mailing list about people against genetically modified foods or the Singularity or somesuch, when I heard an AOL Instant Messenger chat window pop up in the background I decided to just leave it for a moment until I read the rest of this message. When I finished the message, I switched tasks and saw that it was Poet. She told me that she really needed to talk to me.

I wasn't sure what was going on, so I asked her, "what's up?" and switched back to Pegasus to finish that email thread real quick so I could close down my email client.

I finished reading the last message to date in the thread, deleted it and closed Pegasus, when I saw what she wanted.

"Downup died last night."

I'm having flashbacks to ReCkLeSs. I am completely lost for words. Where ReCkLeSs' death had lingered on a while, this was totally unexpected. I couldn't believe it.

Poet said that they had laid down to take a nap around 1:30 the previous afternoon, and when she had awakened around 6:00 PM, he had been breathing then, but when she woke up late that night, he wasn't breathing, and was cold, so apparently he had died sometime between the latter two times.

She was definitely a mess from the whole affair. She is going through a series of self-blame, which isn't being helped by Downup's family, who is basically out-and-out blaming her for his death in that clueless way they seem to do everything.

Poet isn't exactly sure of the cause, and as of this writing there is no listed cause.

Poet asked me to send out an email to everybody with some contact information for her. I agreed to do it, and would again even though I didn't want to freshen my memory in the minds of many of the recipients. As Gurugrrl would say, why encourage those people?

I sent out the email. I dug up most of the addresses from mailings that had been sent about ReCkLeSs earlier in the year, and heard back from almost no one. I heard from Crafty and Coconut, of course, and from one other person. There was a foreboding silence, otherwise.

I don't see how people can be so cold.

I have to wonder what Downup died of; I mean, I think it's only natural. Was it the pills? Was it natural causes? Did he know something was wrong with him, and he decided not to share that knowledge with Poet?

I think the one thing that's important to note is that even though he's gone, there's no need to point fingers or place blame. There is a definite tragedy in his passing, and to assign guilt for it is pointless. It doesn't make the loss any less, and in a way it taints it, or belittles it, because it focuses on the moment rather than the whole.

I know he'll be missed by many.

Poet's upset that the family is telling her they won't want her at the funeral services, and she thinks that Downup wouldn't have wanted her there, the way that they treated them both. It makes me wonder why people are like that.

I mean, seriously, they know that they were together. They probably even knew that they were getting married. What's more, they know that it wasn't her fault that he left or passed away; they're scapegoating her to ease their own guilty consciences. Isn't it her right to be at the memorial services and accorded respect?

I don't see how they live with themselves.

Just the other night, I mailed Poet a birthday greeting. She said that Downup asked me why I didn't send him one on his birthday. I hope he was kidding.

I feel awful. I never got to know him very well, and now I can't. I always felt like Poet seemed to think that I should get to know him better, but there was always time. Well, not anymore; as usual, I let an opportunity go until it's not a possibility anymore. I failed again.

All I can do is try to be there for Poet. I don't feel like I can do much, but I can be a shoulder, and hope that I don't fail her, too.

Another weird coincidence: I was thinking that perhaps I should find a job where one of the perks of the job is discounted travel so that it's not such a strain to spend time with Gurugrrl. It just dawned on me. I just had no idea where to look.

So as I do in the mornings, I wandered through the living room, picking up the remote, turning on "Good Morning America" and dumping the remote back on the trunk we use as a table in one fluid motion.

There's this guy on talking about Continental Airlines, cheap air travel, and their hub cities, one of which is Houston and one of which is quite near Gurugrrl.

Continental is based out of Houston. You know where their offices are. They're a casual work environment.

2 + 2 = 4.

Uh, get a job with Continental.

I wonder if they need any generic geeks?

Coolest non-vanity Texas license plate I've seen in ages: GO2MTV. How'd they manage to get that?

restlessmind