At work, everything is being a problem of some sort or another. The fiscal year ended at the end of June, so a lot of projects had to happen last month for artificial reasons (being on someone's goals, management bonuses, taking money out of this bucket instead of that bucket). Therefore, a lot of things went south, and all I have been doing is fixing the screwups. I'm giving up on the idea of doing something useful at all at this job.

It appears there's skunks living in our vicinity. One by one, they're making a pilgrimage to our backyard to die. That's really appealing, let me tell you.

My weight is as poor as ever. I don't know what to do about it. There's an exercise bike in the bedroom now, maybe I can do that? I guess it can't hurt, but I'm not expecting much (other than accidentally lacerating curious cats with a pedal).

I've come to realize that there's basically no way that we could ever buy property to live somewhere that we'd like to live. I feel like we're trapped in the hot, humid, polluted, crime-ridden Houston area. As time goes by, it will all continue to move further beyond our reach. The desirable places have all become Californicated, at least price-wise. Real estate investors have screwed us. (I'm not even counting on being able to use the equity in our house to help us dig out, because the value of our house on Zillow dove in late 2006. Sure, the price they estimate is still a fair bit higher than we paid just eighteen months ago, but it's a little disheartening, even if Zillow's estimates are sort of fantasy.)

Still no workstation set up at home, much less a development server. I don't know that I even want to, I have no creativity in me anymore.

Things haven't been quite right at home. I can't put my finger on it at all. Marilynn claims there's not a problem, but I think she's saying that to avoid the issue.

I've been sort of... angry lately. Just universally angry, angry at the whole world and angry at nothing at all. Nothing goes right. Perhaps that's why Marilynn is upset with me? I don't know. If I take my medication then I'm not as angry and not as depressed, but then I'm jumpy and anxious. What a way to live.

I also think I'm pretty negative overall. I can feel it, so I imagine everybody else can tell, too. In fact, this is probably a reflection of that negativity.

I wish I knew how to fix the whole creeping feeling that life is out of my control. I can't really expect to find another job in my current physical condition, even though I am a software-developing desk jockey. My overall creativity is down, so I don't see coming up with something to improve our situation, and even if we did would I believe in it enough to carry it through? Working here (or almost any job, actually) will never make us wealthy enough to do more than we can now.

It's like this is all life will ever be, and that's depressing. I want so much more for us, and I feel like I am a failure and can't provide it. In fact, I can't even really explain how I got this far compared to where I was in my late twenties. If I can't explain how I got here, then how can I go anywhere else? It's like I've hit a local maximum and I'm afraid to move off of it because I don't know what the rest of the function has to offer me.

I just want to succeed and I don't know how to find it.

restlessmind