I won't pretend saying that I should have been writing. In reality, I haven't been motivated to do so. I haven't even had anything to say.

Motivation is a real problem with me these days. I have no energy or desire to do things.

My computer at home is still in pieces everywhere. It seems like such an insurmountable obstacle to overcome to get everything working and copied over and saved and the like. We won't even talk about the books and whatever else.

I don't keep up on tech and news like I used to. Part of it is because I don't have any information collection infrastructure behind me, but also it's because I just feel like sipping from the firehose of information takes way too much energy.

I was dieting successfully and something happened that put me off track. What that is, I'm not sure, but I was doing so well and then I tumbled off the path, same as usual. I get angry with myself every time I think about it.

I have just finally gotten over an almost three week illness (which I appear to have passed on to Marilynn, poor monkey girl!). That just forced me to put my life on hold for the time being while I got over the various symptoms. (As an added joy, when I went to the doctor he decided that a rash I had on my face and neck was a fungal infection, so I've had to tend to it with Lotrimin cream. I still have at least a couple weeks of treatment to see if it gets rid of it or not.)

I got an office at work again. However, I can't say it's made me more enthusiastic about my work. It's sort of like when I got a new computer almost two years ago, which is still unused. It's just too much trouble to mess with it. Now, it's so old... do I even want to bother messing with it?

On top of that, I am just sort of down on work. The new office is lonely. It's hot, being a window office, although I know I am supposed to feel special that I am not a manager but got a window office. I keep thinking about how I don't get to go on any junkets or take any classes.

I don't go home until late in the evening because it's far too draining to face traffic. It's all I can do to drag myself home, after which we eat, watch some stuff on the TiVo and then go to bed.

There is no routine in our lives. Every weekend there's something that is expected of or somebody wants from us. "Come fix my computer." "Will you help us with this?" "There's this >insert family obligation< that you should attend."

All this adds up to draining the life out of me.

What's funny is that a lot of this sounds like depression. I don't know if that is it, since I have been on my medication full-time. That should be nipped in the bud... so what is it?

Is this a sign I'm getting old? Slowing down? I am tired of tech? I am burned out?

I really don't know what to think. In my positive moments I am really, really positive. For instance, a few weeks ago I started to think about some of the projects I would like to pursue. Often times, they require a knowledge of electronics to modify or interface with an existing device, or to build something altogether new. Therefore, I started to do some research on the feasibility of going back to school and getting a degree in electrical engineering. I researched possibilities like distance education, going back to UH after transferring my existing credit, starting over as a freshman using the academic fresh start program, etc.

I know one thing is that I feel overwhelmed. There's so much to do and I just don't know where to start. I feel like no matter what I start, I will have to put it aside to chase something else. I deal with that at work all the time, and I am tired of it.

I also know that invariably, the days where I feel the most down about the whole situation (like today), I have had my energy sapped through dealings with a particular coworker. He drains my energy; I think he delights in thwarting me in that manner.

Also, part of me knows that I am a firm believer that if you want to be something or learn something, you just do it. The only way to become a programmer is to program. The only way to be an engineer is to do engineering work (thus, why I think I probably won't go back to school, I'll just do what I always have and learn by doing on the fly). "Just do it" is pretty true in my experience.

But... where do I find the energy and time and not cause problems with my work and relationships? I don't know to walk that line.

Could it be an anxiety disorder? Doesn't Wellbutrin increase susceptibility to anxiety in some patients?

restlessmind