15 Megs of Fame




Diaryland is da bomb I just *have* to tell you how much this all sucks. Who're these other people he's writing about? Who's the freak writing this, anyway? What's gone before. What's going on right now? Where do *you* visit on the web? What're you building right now?


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Another smart-assed remark from Mike
Just one (big) resolution
18:00:00 on 2007-01-11

Most people make resolutions on New Years', and this year I sort of made one, too. Just one, but it's a big one.

It's not about losing weight, finding a new job, saving money or paying off debt. It's none of the things I've tried in the past. It's something that I should have been doing all along but have neglected for one reason or another: be myself.


The trick is, for a long time I've gone through a lot of grief for who I am, and largely met with a huge amount of frustration trying to be myself. No matter what I tried to do, something or someone was standing in my way. Either I didn't use the right tools, know the right person, have the right credentials or know the club handshake. Between the roadblocks and depression, I gave up trying to do more, and when the pain and suffering from the whole ordeal became too great so I decided to change my tack: if I can't be me, I'll just recreate myself! Maybe I should just be somebody else!

So, I swept my geekiness to the side and left it for my work life, and put other of my interests out there, even if they didn't work. The problem with doing this is that you never really ditch yourself. Instead, you're always there in the background peeking through, and the problems continue.


Marilynn sees it, though. The other day, the iPhone launched and I was telling her about it. She said I should get one because she could tell I was all excited about it. I'm not sure what it was — the tenor of my speech or the animation in gestures or a fiery glint in my eye, but the geek in me was excited, and she said she likes it.

Of course, this isn't something new. For a while now, I've been reading a bit about new ideas and potential directions in technology, much like I did when I was a teenager and in my twenties. I've been dreaming of getting out of my workaday job and working for a small startup, even though it often seems that Houston is filled with companies like the one I interviewed with quasi-recently.

For a while there, every time I turned around I was buying books on topics that interest me. I've been seeking out new blogs on these same topics, getting to know the areas of interest. I've been working on my computer to get it back together again, and intention of working on projects that I am actually interested in. I might even learn a bit about electronics and hardware!

Huh? Learning? Working on software? Hardware, too, which is something I've wanted to do for years?

It must be a sign that I'm getting better. Is it the medicine? Something inside me? Who knows? Who cares?


It's time. Past time. However, this time, I think it'll be different.

First, this time I am not in my family's space, I am in my own space. The only people I have to please are my wife and myself. I can build or create as I please.

Also, it helps that now I have funds at my disposal to pursue my interests. We're paying two car payments, a mortgage and a smaller second mortgage plus all our bills, all the while putting money into retirement accounts and into savings and investments, but regardless of that there is still a bit that I can repurpose to make sure that my interests don't starve from a simple lack of a few dollars here and there.

Next, I have a bit of a plan to get over the "who you know" problem. The basics of it can be outlined by looking at the excellent article "Networking on the Network". It's not firm, certainly, but the upshot is that if I start building things and writing, then I can ease into the community. At least, that's the plan.

Finally, I hope that I am worthy of being recognized for my talents and I can get over the lack of credentials thing. Not having a degree, a sometimes rocky work history before I came to this job and problems with depression have given me real hurdles that put walls in my path all the time. I have to let the quality of my ideas and the flair of their execution speak for itself.

Of course, there are always detractors. Sending out resumés almost always leads to frustration, because I haven't always fit nicely in the boxes people want. I often don't even have the educational requirements for technical jobs and resume-scanning HR departments make it hard to get a foot in the door. Hell, here I was even passed over for a job, and the only indication of why that I could get was that the hiring manager "wasn't impressed with my resumé."

Well, fuck them. No, they don't owe me anything, but I don't owe them anything, either. Just because I don't fit their monoculturally-defined box, it doesn't mean that I'm wrong. It just means that they don't get the benefit of my extensive and varied knowledge and background. In the meantime, I can stay where I am at and let myself accomplish those things that I need to do to get where I want to go.


I always knew who I was, I had just lost myself. I need to stop denying my nature. I have to stop trying to sneak in my INTP/Architect fix at a job that doesn't give one whit about my personal satisfaction or if my soul is fed by what I do or not.

I hope to trade in the TV potato in for being better read. I want to leave the spiritual drift I've found myself in and return to the solidity and certainty that rationalism, science and technology had given me before. I need to get back to my hacker roots and start the exploration again.

I just gotta be me.


I used to think that I was like the lyrics from the Everclear song "Sunshine":

Wait forever for the life you dream of
You wait for something that will never come
You twist and turn in the slow motion freefall
You twist and turn in your own good time

I think now that it's more like the lyrics from the song "Broken":

The time is going to come when you stop feeling sorry for yourself
Yeah, you were broken when you were young and you never got over it
You were damaged when you were young, and now you take it out on everyone
The time is going to come when you say that enough is enough
The time is going to come when you stop beating yourself up
Stop beating yourself up
Stop beating yourself up


Robert Anton Wilson died today. Have a crazy journey.

restlessmind


Ancient history:
2013-03-01"You'll be stone dead in a moment!"
2007-08-07I covet fuck you money
2007-07-16My own long, dark tea-time of the soul
2007-07-11My internet experience is lacking
2007-07-10Coincidence



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