Things are odd at work, and this period of change is really making me ill-at-ease. I never thought of myself as someone who was about security in his work, but right now things are up in the air so I guess it's more important to me right now. Maybe it's just that we have a mortgage now that makes me worry. I guess I shouldn't, because we also have savings (and the mortgage is paid ahead, to boot).

For instance, today is the first real day of Roger's job duties shifting. Before he was in charge of reporting for information systems, but he has since found out that his job duties are being shifted to another team to be automated. He's not being canned, but instead he's being (effectively) demoted to doing field support and projects. The unstated (yet very transparent) aim of this change is to harass him into finding a new job.

I tried to get Roger to automate his reporting tasks at least a couple years ago to no avail. I am sure that his constant complaining and dissatisfaction with his job is probably largely to blame with this whole move, too, but still, it's very disquieting. It's being couched as a downsizing, and it makes me still wonder if I could be similarly treated if the corporate wind shifted somehow.

Also, people are the water in the information systems sieve, lately. Employees where I work are jumping ship left and right. On the elevator yesterday I heard about two people leaving, and then I found out that one of our IT architects is leaving to be security manager at a firm. These aren't the only ones, either. There's been at least ten people leaving lately, and I know of a couple of instances of layoffs and "encouragements" to find new positions (as with Roger, above).

That makes me feel a little insecure. Again, what if I get the not-so-subtle "encouragement?" I've not been making enough moves to finding a new job, and I am afraid that while my skills for development are rock-solid, the buzzword compliance of my resumé might be a bit thin for the Houston market. This is a Microsoft town, and I threw in with the open-source side of the fence a long time ago. Sure, I could learn some .NET or even some Java, but it's not what I use regularly so it'd turn to rust almost immediately. I don't think Marilynn is prepared to sell the house and move, either, if I decided I wanted to work in greener tech pastures.

Add to this the fact that I am ditching on a friend and ex-coworker's birthday lunch because everybody else at the lunch would be in that team I didn't get hired into. I guess one can understand why, because my discomfort level would be high. Maybe it would have helped for a future position if I had just gone, but I don't know. I just know that right now I am trying to work through some things in my head, and I'm not sure where I'd have been left after the lunch.

In short, I don't feel secure right now, whether that feeling is warranted or not.

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been considering what to do: either give up the dreams and live the common, bland suburban lifestyle, or reach for the brass ring. One the one hand, I could take the easy way and just be a sheeple. Pay the mortgage, save for retirement, work in the bland and unchallenging job and don't try to be different. The alternative is to try to do something extraordinary, whether succeed or fail.

I've given up the brass ring before, although they were different rings (educational, career, business). Sometimes the ring I was chasing wasn't what I'd made it out to be. Sometimes I had too much going on to pursue it. Sometimes I found out that it wasn't really what I wanted to be going after. Sometimes, well... sometimes I was just a quitter.

It amounts to this: I've had an incredible lack of follow-through going after some of the big things in life when it concerns myself. Sure, if someone asks me to do something, generally, I'll follow through to some degree. But if it's something for myself? No dice.

It's complicated. I was taught when I was young that what I wanted wasn't important. Rather, I was expected to give up those things that were important to me, especially if it made life easier for those around me. I was allowed to keep those things that were unobtrusive to others or kept me quiet and out of sight, like my books, drawing, and later, my computer. If it was something that could become troublesome at all, like a chemistry set, a musical instrument, electronics, friends coming over to our house (if someone was coming over), special educational programs, etc., then it was discouraged or outright disallowed. When I was young I always felt shafted and put up a lot of resistance, which caused unending problems and conflict.

Of course, it was variable to a degree. For instance, between my junior and senior year in high school I took classes at the local community college. It was a great expense, but I was encouraged to do that by my mother. However, when I announced that I was accepted to a far away university that was strong in electrical engineering and computer science, no one wanted to touch that with a ten foot pole. After all, isn't the local state school just as good?

Choice of majors was good, too. Study physics? Why? I was told physics was something that should be left for the children of "rich families" to study. In their minds, I needed to do something more level-headed. It didn't help that my interest was a theoretical branch of physics. In time I did leave physics behind, but their characterizations of practical application to a specific career being the only measure of an education worth my time also made me stubbornly shun engineering, which would probably have been ideal for me in retrospect and future applicability to my broad interests.

Another example is when I was a kid, I wanted a nice, open system to work on (even then, I appreciated the idea of hackability and openness, which is interesting). I wanted an Apple or Commodore computer. My dad got me a TI-99/4a. Isn't a computer a computer? I decided to go without until I could acquire my own. Later as a young adult, just into college (unfortunately, that local state school) and getting my first tastes of networks, client-server development and the pre-web Internet, I wasn't allowed to get another computer so I could experiment when free versions of BSD were coming out in the very early nineties, and then Linux. To them, I already had one computer, and it was nothing but a constant waste of electricity. Why would I need another one? I still joke about, saying the phrase "the Internet is a fad" &ndash I was actually told this by a clueless grandparent.

In short, my immediate family made sure that exploration and exercising my creativity became more of a struggle than it should have been. Anything they couldn't comprehend or appreciate had no value to them, and even if they had some appreciation they were unequipped to guide me in such endeavors. Over the years it wore me down and I burned out early on. By the time I was getting to the end of high school, I'd given up. I didn't care anymore. I was too tired to try, and came to believe that they were right, there was no value in what I could do. If anyone made a big deal out of anything I did, I stifled their accolades. If they still didn't stop, I stifled that part of myself instead.

I continue this to this day.

Nonetheless, I have this fire, deep down, that keeps burning. It tells me to reach out and do something. You're special. You are powerful. People like you are changing the world. Go change the world.

But, being true to form, I stifle those thoughts. Be it a few hours or a few weeks, they always meet an untimely end.

I used to think that if I went to the right part of the country or attended the right university I'd be anointed, or just fall in with the right folks, or somehow become the person I should be. However, I know that it isn't something outside yourself that makes someone an artist or a creator. It comes from within.

However, in becoming that person, you make changes. The changes will affect other people. I fear making those changes. Is it selfish to do things that will make me feel self-actualized? Is it selfish to feed my mind? Is it selfish to shape your own life in a certain way when it's intertwined with the lives of others?

I am coming to accept that suppression of my nature is hurting me as a person. I believe it is the source of my depression. I must learn, dream, express and create. (At first, I said I was coming to realize it, but the fact is, I have realized it since I was at least twenty-five; I just wouldn't acknowledge it as truth.) However, it is true: to deny who and what you are wounds your soul. It is denial of your very nature. It is like a parent telling their child that they are sorry they were ever born – the child is cut by the words and may never recover from the wounds. At best, the child is scarred for life.

It is why, even though I do not love my job, I will stay hours into the evening working on a new system or program. It is born of my thoughts. It is part of myself, life breathed into it through my efforts. And even though it does something pedestrian and will not change much one way or the other, it is mine and it means something to me. It is my challenge and it makes me feel good. I am at peace with myself when I am here in the silence on those evenings.

It is why I still read widely, even if not in the quantity that I used to. I keep tabs on many things because my curiosity is vast and knowledge is a powerful thing to wield. I still find myself perusing many blogs on a wide array of topics to keep current. I still keep ordering things from Amazon on both big ideas and clarification of narrow areas that pique my interest. I guess, deep down, I still hope to ride the wave at the edge one day and see what unexplored beach it washes upon.

Perhaps it's even why I don't give up the desire to accomplish something notable. I hope to have worth one day.

restlessmind