15 Megs of Fame




Diaryland is da bomb I just *have* to tell you how much this all sucks. Who're these other people he's writing about? Who's the freak writing this, anyway? What's gone before. What's going on right now? Where do *you* visit on the web? What're you building right now?


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Another smart-assed remark from Mike
Just an hour a day
17:30:00 on 2004-06-07

It's too much like work writing here at Diaryland.

The thing is that when I write an entry, it's not enough to make sure it's interesting (at least, to me). I have to make sure it's spell-checked. I have to make sure it's grammatical. I have to make sure the links all work. I have to make sure the HTML markup is okay. I have to do a million little things before I can post my entry.

It's unsurprising that I don't tend to write very much.


Just the other evening I was seen on AOL Instant Messenger by Hannah. We hadn't talked in quite a while, so we chatted back and forth for a while. She asked what I was doing, and expressed disbelief that I was working on my own software for my site. "You've been saying you were going to do that since I've known you!"

I guess I have. There's always some issue or somesuch that comes up, but I've decided that I really need to make this happen.

What sucks is that I haven't, and I have accomplished so little towards the task, despite all the things I've done to make it happen.

I took Friday and today off so that I'd have a four-day weekend. You know, deep coding. Between my ear infection, fiasco upgrading the server, working on a slightly-related coding project and fixing some other small issues, I got almost nothing done. I am actually very disappointed in myself.

How can I get code done, if I don't code? What's wrong with me?


I think the problem is that when I was a kid I knew what I wanted from life. I wanted to be smart and do things and build things. Now, I'm not always so certain.

I spend time watching independent films like "Catching Out" which is about the world of train-hoppers, how their lives begin to pass too quickly when they're settled down, so they go on the road for adventure.

There's a movie we have to watch tonight called The Journey which she bought for me at Fry's, which appealed to me for the sense of seeking... something, I don't know what.

We go on adventures, traveling to places, seeing sights. I insist. I think Marilynn just goes along with it a lot of the time. I always go hoping to find something profound, but I couldn't tell you what it is.

Just the other night, I told Marilynn, "it makes me sad to think that in this part of the country you can drive so many places in one day of driving, but people never go anywhere because they say it's too far." Then I admit that sometimes I feel like that person... that we don't go because it's far, all the while wondering to myself, who am I to say this? Or wonder this? Where have I been?

What am I looking for? What am I missing from my life, if anything at all?


Years ago, when I wanted to start writing regularly at my own site, I had the idea of chronicling a journey that I would be taking as a person. What did I hope to find? I don't know. I just know that I am putting myself on hold because I'm waiting to find that part of myself, perhaps because of the writing. And the more I put myself on hold, the more depressed I get about it, and I don't work on it.

How sick is that? I keep hoping for some consciousness-raising, and I can't even bring it about enough to help myself go about helping myself.

Caught in a cycle. I realize it, and I still don't push it.


Change has to come from inside. Marilynn and I talked about goals. We both wanted to set exercise goals for ourselves. I also want to set a goal of working at least one hour a day on code (or database design or whatever) that will directly contribute to this goal. I don't think that's unreasonable, and it may just save our sanity.

No launch deadlines, no timetables... just code. Good, solid code.

I'll let you know how it goes.

restlessmind


Ancient history:
2013-03-01"You'll be stone dead in a moment!"
2007-08-07I covet fuck you money
2007-07-16My own long, dark tea-time of the soul
2007-07-11My internet experience is lacking
2007-07-10Coincidence



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