The thing is that I got up and came in early -- I got here a bit before seven, which is quite a change when normally I get here between 8:30 and 9:00 AM on an average day. I figure I can work on things before people get in so that I have a decent day's worth of work, which has been sorely lacking lately. I used to stay late and get things done, but lately that's been intruded upon, because Roger hangs around until I finally give in and leave.

I did. But once everyone gets in, the feelings come back. The feelings of wanting to run away to a new job in a new place and we can start a new life. I want a life I can care about and feel creative and accomplished. I want to build things and be appreciated for it. I never feel that.

Part of me goes, that's ridiculous. You'll never have that, so you should just look for the positive in your life. Another part of me says, you've wanted to start over and redesign your life from the ground up for so long that you should just listen to it and get it over with once and for all. You'd be happier.

Which is right? Any bets on which route I'll take?

Of course, the Face Guy said that I'd be moving to California when I'm 34. On the other hand, prognostication has never really worked that well for me before, so why should I expect that it will start now?

What's funny is that long ago, for better or for worse, this was a depression journal. I thought I had graduated from it, but still at its base, it's a depression journal. I still struggle with it. I struggle with it less, but there are days where it has a grip on me and wrestles me to the ground, will not release itself, imposes its will over what I know is necessary or best.

I had hoped I had left it far behind me, but isn't the defeat of any debilitating illness a lifelong journey? I just feel as though I am making it without a map or compass.

restlessmind