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Diaryland is da bomb I just *have* to tell you how much this all sucks. Who're these other people he's writing about? Who's the freak writing this, anyway? What's gone before. What's going on right now? Where do *you* visit on the web? What're you building right now?


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Another smart-assed remark from Mike
So much "me" when she just wants "us"
23:45:00 on 2002-08-04

I can't help but feel frustrated.

I feel as though the circumstances of the universe are plotting against me. At the same time, I know that's crazy-talk and that there is no conspiracy, but I still think the universe has a wickedly-sharp sense of humor.


One thing that's frustrating me? I never, ever get time to myself to create. Around here we call it "geek time".

Circumstances are keeping me from it, such as heavy storms the last couple days. Time I could have used meant that I unplugged the computer for fear of its life. (Lightning hit my home about two years ago and took a serious, but far from total, toll on my computer equipment.)

Add to that daily life, traveling, doing things to help Marilynn find a new job, etc., and I'm having a total lack of geek time.

It's not that I don't like spending time with her, but I know I tried to explain at some point that the things I do take a lot of time. A lot of time. It's not even something I always know will take n hours - it takes as long as it takes. I guess she doesn't necessarily have anything to reference it from.

I try gentle joking around that I am tired of not having geek time, and I need it. I crave it. I live for it on some levels. She doesn't get it. I don't need to be pressured into doing other things or diverted. I need her to have her thing to do, and I need mine. Once I read a book about being a student at MIT, and somebody said something like, "everyone here is into something different, but they're really into it" - I mean that I need her to have that level of commitment, so I can have my level of commitment that I want/need.

Today at West Oaks Mall we looked at a ceramic shop for her to start painting again, and that looks like a good solution... she could even make friends with the folks that come in there regularly, perhaps. She always talks about not having friends in Texas...


Wait... look for a new job for Marilynn?

Yeah. She got let go where she was working. They were getting calls on her references ("several calls" as they put it) and decided that if she's leaving, they might as well cut her loose.

Cold hearted, but it makes sense in a business-y sort of way. I'd probably do the same.

So now she's job hunting, and at a time where I was hoping that with her income she could fill in a lot of gaps. I don't see that happening anymore, and I'm really worried financially. I'm pretty close to broke as it is, and we're running close to the edge monetarily. I hope things change soon, but I want her to get a job that makes her happy and she makes good money at (about $30K or more a year).

It wasn't a performance issue that caused her to be let go, and she's a good interviewer. She gets a lot of interviews, too (although she doesn't think it's many), so I know she'll come through with something good soon. I just tend to worry about money because I'm not used to being broke all the time.


I already mentioned that I am not a good pagan, which is simply compounded by my being a newbie pagan. I haven't been spending any time studying except for some readings in email and on the web, etc. It makes me feel bad about the whole thing, because I'm not pursuing this with any fervor because I don't feel like I have any "me" time to pursue it.

Well, I forgot about Lammas, one of the harvest sabbats. Pretty normal, since I'm not really focusing on it or integrated it deeply into my life. I'd gladly pour any time I get into programming at this moment.

Well, I find it odd that the pentacle that I've been wearing came untied the night before Lammas, and wouldn't stay tied. Nothing I could do would keep it on me. I have it retied, using a different scheme, and it's staying on now.

I guess I looked at it as a sign - a sign that I'm not following my heart in this. At first I saw it as an omen that maybe I'm not meant to follow that path, and I was pretty upset, but perhaps it's a warning that I should pay more attention. Of course, there's that whole thing about "me" time.

I learned once that through my thirties I'd be taking a spiritual journey of sorts. Maybe I'm still at the starting point? I truly don't know.


Suckage related to the last bit - Marilynn and I went to the Kroger's down on Westheimer closer to the Beltway, and they have a gumball machine there that has Norse runes for sale. We put our change in and bought two, one for each of us.

I picked which was mine and which was hers. I was so sure which was mine, and which was hers. The one I picked for me was the rune of the harvest, and the one I picked for her was the rune of fire and creativity. As soon as she saw the one I picked for her, she said, "I got yours!"

Maybe I feel like I've had my creativity taken from me. I want to work on something new and creative, I keep laying it out in my mind... but I can never give it form from essence. I feel robbed of my fire, my magic.


I know, I know - I'm saying so much "me" when we're an "us". But you know what? I didn't concede to give up myself when I became a part of a couple.

I've been in a fair number of relationships wherein I am expected to change, become less of a computer geek, spend time away from the machine. They always fail miserably. Why is that? Because I don't want to change. A large part of the essence of me is bound up in these machines and the things I can coerce from them given the spark of an idea and the time to form the proper incantation in the language of my choice.

Some days I have an idea that seems brilliant - I need to go code test it for speed and functionality to see if it's really all its' cracked up to be in my head. If I go right upstairs while I'm hot on the idea I get pouting and talkings-to about going right upstairs to the computer and she feels neglected. If I don't act on my ideas when they come to me they languish and eventually get pushed out or overshadowed by another one, because I can't turn the spigot off - they keep flowing regardless.

She's not yielding to this, and I'm starting to get grouchy, angry and petty under pressure.

If the "me" suffers under the relationship, then there can't be an "us". Why is this so hard to understand? Why can't I have my time, dedicated, undistracted, doing things that make me happy?

Today while we were eating at China Palace down on Westheimer, I joked that when the lease was up I would have to ask her to move somewhere else so I could have geek time. I think she got the idea that I wasn't joking. I was joking, but I probably can't hide the tone that says that the idea hadn't crossed my mind if I'm not allowed to be myself as I need to be.

restlessmind


Ancient history:
2013-03-01"You'll be stone dead in a moment!"
2007-08-07I covet fuck you money
2007-07-16My own long, dark tea-time of the soul
2007-07-11My internet experience is lacking
2007-07-10Coincidence



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