As I said in my last entry, I had to come home sick Wednesday because of my allergies. Therefore, I decided that I wanted to get up early Friday to make up some time from Wednesday. (It's not really a conscientious thing - I just have a lot of work that needs to be done, and I didn't want to burn a day of PTO. Maybe a bit of guilt, too. I just want to get up by 5:40.)

At the same time, last night I decided to sit down at the computer for some geek time. I hadn't been able to take any geek time Wednesday night between allergies and going to get things to combat allergies, and Thursday I was doing my best to tend to and comfort Marilynn, and we watched the movie "Memento". (The movie was okay. Just okay.)

Anyway, I am surfing around, reading some entries here and yon at other peoples' sites, checking on my site... and I discover after a few moments that my site has gone down yet again. This has become annoying. I chose this host because from what I could find the owner was hardworking (which he is, in the extreme), the good service (which it is), I could host multiple domains (which I can) and they had very little downtime (which sometimes they seem to have quite a bit of it).

Obviously, I was feeling a little upset.

So anyway, I am trying to get to their site because I could actually ping the server, but their site is down, too (I believe I am hosted on the same site as their server). I am looking at my options for moving (I want to build a killer site, but I don't want to do it on a host that sucks). I am trying to post my last entry, 'cause I've been wanting to post for days now.

I am up late. Real late. It's eleven-thirty by now.

Marilynn comes in and tells me, "it's hard enough to get you up in the morning, so I am setting the clock for 6:30." I tell her fine and turn back to the computer while she stumbles back to bed.

I start researching dedicated servers. I would love to have a dedicated server. Power, freedom, domains, sharing my resources with people I would want to share them with... it's what I want, and in theory if the uptime sucks, then it's my problem 'cause it's my server.

Prices have come way down... it would be available to me, if only I could afford it. Sounds like broadband, too.

After a while I give up on my site coming back up and turn in.

This morning at 6:30 the alarm clock goes off. Marilynn rolls over and starts to hit me to wake me up. When I wake up I do the morning stretch and yawn, hearing the pops and snaps of bone and connective tissue that's been slept on in convoluted positions all night.

She says I should get up. I tell her she should get up first. She replies, but I can't hear over my stretching, so I ask what she said. She repeats it, I still can't hear and ask again. She yells, "I will in a minute!"

I shut up and roll over.

We laid in the quiet and dark for what seemed like hours, but turned out to be only two minutes. She got up and got in the shower without another word, and I got up and came to the computer.

Marilynn often says that I am sorry that she moved here. I'm really not. I love her very much.

Sometimes I mourn the loss of freedom. I miss having the money to do things, like get that dedicated server to put creations online. I could afford to do what I wanted when I wanted in the geek arena for the most part, because my tastes aren't that expensive, except for that dedicated server thing, and if I had to I could make it pay rather than cost.

Sometimes I wish she really understood my deeper, finer intentions. Sure, most days it's a pain in the ass to get me out of bed, but also if I have a desire to do the right thing I will do my best to see it through, even if it means falling asleep at 1:30 AM and getting up at 5:40 AM. I figured she knew me well enough for this by now, but I guess not.

Maybe I just don't like being snapped at because I am just waking up and can't hear over the air conditioner and fan. Maybe I don't like that I am the bad guy because I have allergies and don't want a cat in the bedroom with me.

The idea of her coming here was so that we could be together and that our lives wouldn't have to be hard. Now I feel like she's getting upset with me more and more because of things that are basic to me, such as needing to create, or things I can't control like allergies. We struggle daily, and the light at the end of the tunnel is so far away that you can't even begin to suggest that we'll reach it in any foreseeable future.

"The best laid plans of mice and men..."

Maybe I'm just a turd after all.

restlessmind