I'm having trouble making myself feel like I have a purpose again.

Mostly, I'm stuck in this weird position in my life. I try to check up on some jobs, and they tell me that I'm "hopelessly overqualified" and that my skills are "awesome," but they'll "hold on to my resum� in case they get something more in line with my abilities. That's helpful - NOT.

I try for others and I don't even get a look-in because experience counts more than ability or drive these days, and with the labor market being tight as it is, everybody's looking to jump ship and so there is lots of experience flying around out there, at least here. Not to mention that Houston is an NT town, and I have pretty limited NT experience, and I don't even really have the opportunity to pick any up.

Even worse than that? When I get an interview, I think that people can peer deep down into my being and tell that I'm damaged, somehow. Something isn't right about me, so they don't want me as a part of their group.

I don't know where to turn from here.

I mean, ideally, I'd work on getting some demos out there (read - sites showing a range of skills). I'd work on losing this air of depression that exudes from me. I'd work on building up some new skills.

Of course, I'm having trouble with the demos part. For instance - today I was sitting here writing this entry and thinking about doing the project that I listed in today's sidebar (it can't be that difficult, right?), and the phone rang. Of course, I was waiting to hear back from some of the people I had sent resum�s to and some I have calls in to.

"Hi, it's me." It was Moogie. "What are you doing?"

Now, let's have a quick lesson in the vernacular of my family. With my mother and father, "what are you doing?" isn't actually asking what I'm doing - instead, it's more like when you say, "how are you doing?" in a greeting. In general, you don't care how they're doing, it's just a greeting.

Well, with them, it's their way of saying, "I need you to do something." Of course, things I have to do are never as important as the things they have for me to do. I'm supposed to drop everything to do what they have for me to do.

I'm tired of having this discussion. She has no conception about finding a decent job for herself, much less my ability to find one in a technical area. I've told her that it is about showing you know what you're doing, keeping up with trends, learning and experimenting. Amazingly, she ignores me every time we have this discussion, or conveniently forgets in about 36-48 hours.

I have come to the conclusion that no matter what medication I take, I'll never feel better as long as I live here with relatives all around. Happiness eludes me at every turn, and a lot of it is because, of course, I can't follow my own path. I wish they saw that if they'd let me follow it for a while then things may change. I really do have the will now, thanks to all these purple and yellow pills, but the opportunity is sorely lacking, still.

Net effect? I can't get things done for my own good. She keeps giving me things to do, I can't focus on the things I need to accomplish. I get stressed out, and thus tend to more deepened depression. This has a contributatory effect to my inability to pick up a good job. I can't get out of here. I stay depressed. Cycle continues.

Net effect? Nothing gets done, I have little to nothing to show.

Anyway, I sighed, as I often do, because I know what's coming: me being pulled away from whatever it is that I am doing to do something else with dubious benefit, at least for me. "Nothing," I answer with a tired sound in my voice. I wouldn't matter if I told her that I was doing something else. "What?"

"Oh, nothing. Sit there on your lazy ass." She hangs up.

Let's see - all day I've been sending resum�s, talking to people on the phone trying to find out what I can do about getting a job, doing the dishes, and doing laundry, and I'm sitting on my lazy ass. Thanks.

I called her back, and she won't tell me what's wrong, and says that it's the "tone in my voice" that pisses her off. Well, you know what? It's the assumption that everything I have to do is useless drivel that pisses me off.

When she got home I asked her why she couldn't tell me what she wanted.

"I'm tired of you being the way you are when I pass you in the living room, or if I'm in the kitchen and you come in there, or I come back to your room or call to ask you something." She's got her crocodile tears going. Boo-hoo-hoo. Bitch.

"Maybe I'm sick of it when you come back to my room just to see what I'm doing or have to stare at me when I'm near you or when I am behind you in the kitchen you have to peer around like I'm standing behind you with a knife or something, or that I'm sick of you calling with the assumption that everything you have for me to do isn't as important as what you have for me to do." Stunned silence, so I add a little bit. "I'm trying to accomplish something, you know?"

"Maybe you need to be trying to accomplish getting a paying job!"

"How do you know I wasn't?"

Those crocodiles are busy now. "I'm not checking up on you. You didn't used to be this way!"

I sighed. I wasn't continuing this anymore. Anyway, I don't know if I'm ready to go where the next words out of my mouth would end up: maybe that's because after almost thirty years of this bullshit I realize why Dad left you.

I would give... something. I don't know what - after all, I don't have money, so it couldn't be that - but I'd give something near and dear to just get out of here. I could make things so much better if I could just get a break.

I'm tired of striving for breaks, though - my spirit could be pretty easily broken at this point. I talk to people who pretty much blow me off, or at least that's how I see it, even if it's not the actual case.

I talked to one guy today who made me feel a little hopeful. He said that he had already filled the position he called me about last week (why didn't he follow up?), but he may have more work. It sounds suspiciously like the other place I didn't make the cut at for some mysterious reason. Probably is, actually.

Tomorrow I'm making a trip to Angleton to get medication, and then I'm coming back to talk to the temp agency that I worked through at my temp job earlier this year, and also with the temp agency here in town (sure, I guess they didn't like me, but if they can place me then we're both making money, so why not?).

restlessmind