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Still reading: Strange thought for the day: Music outlining my basic philosophy this morning, or, cynical music for a restless mind and a dark mood: Radios I sold my privacy Oooo America, Oooo America, Oooo America Pay no more Holocaust Oooo America, Oooo America, Oooo America I embrace your legacy - All I know Oooo America, Oooo America, Oooo America Oooo America, Oooo America, Oooo America Oooo America, Oooo America, Oooo America
you've no ties, no definition, nothing fits anywhere [especially yourself]. you're floating amongst what is stable and what is chaotic and you're just --there--.
but you're nowhere.
When Gristle first said I was a floater, I asked her to define what she meant. I thought she meant that I was a body that the Mafia dumped in the river, but apparently that's not quite where she was going.
But I really do feel like I'm cast adrift. Part of that is my fault - lately, for no easily explained reason, I've been isolating myself from practically everybody except Gurugrrl (I've been trying to "lean on her" more recently, partly because if I confide in her more it makes us closer, but also because I think she feels genuinely upset that I confide in (what I think she sees as too many) other people besides her). Then again, we have nights like last night where I start to feel like I might be as well off being isolated from her, too. (I'm just coming to realize that she'll never let herself be with someone, not in the way that most people would want someone to be, anyway, so I should stop trying.)
Another part of is that I am feeling particularly useless right now. That job with the webhosting company never got back with me, and I don't feel like dealing with rejection enough to write them a follow-up email. Then again, I sent them my resum� pretty late in the game (that Thursday to Tuesday thing), or they're being really slow. Or maybe they called that other ISP I used to work for and asked them about me. (I was... um... agitated then. The great mind plague of 1996, y'see.) Whatever the reason, I am feeling a little useless right now.
Not to mention that life is being generally stressful, and for no good reason other than to be stressful for stressful's sake. I don't want to have to cope with the stress. I just want to live peacefully. Then again, just being in this house stresses me out, so I have no good refuge.
Have you ever felt like you didn't have a real anchor, though? I mean, really, didn't have anywhere that you could come to rest and just deflate?
I feel like there's miles and miles to go, but no mooring masts anywhere above the horizon for me to dock at.
A lot of the time, I just don't feel like I have energy. I can't concentrate, I can't create, I can't perceive. Not being able to take some R&R means that I don't have any spare energy to give; I simply conserve. I isolate. I can't overcome my mood to deal with life. When I get a bit of energy, I tend to expend it quite quickly in some small effort. Not good.
I look at mental energy as a reservoir - mine's dry because of constant stress. If I could find a way to eliminate something terribly stressful, so that I have a net increase in energy then I could accomplish things again - start working, but still recharge the reservoir from the flow, even if it's recharging from just a trickle.
One thing I've noted is that the medications I take now sap my creative juices and on-the-spot reasoning. They're just gone. I can't hold a conversation without my mind just going blank occasionally (and then trying to dismiss the feelings by saying something like, "oh, never mind" or "it's no big deal" or "it's not important" tends to make people think that you're entirely dismissing everything they're saying).
What's worse is that I have no follow-through. I have a remarkable backlog of email to deal with. Very occasionally I get the "umph" to answer an email. Just one. I have dozens waiting to be answered, filtered, checked, whatever.
I think that if I could get past being stressed out all the time from various quarters (largely environmental, but also just getting past my mistakes in life and forgiving myself), and also get my creative side working consistently again, then I might just manage to get past this.
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