I first heard from Trinity when she wrote me one night with some advice regarding an entry I wrote where I was whining about r�sum�s that I was sending out and how I felt like I was never quite what somebody would want in an employee. She wrote me to talk some sense into me, more or less, that I was being foolish, and I was mistaken about the meaning of the feedback I was receiving.

Of course, as I am wont to do, I wasn't answering my email at that moment, so I didn't write her back. A couple days later, she wrote me another note. Again, I was having a particular moment of suckage so I let the note languish in my inbox along with her other one, plus dozens of other emails that I wasn't in the mood to deal with.

She was checking my journal quite regularly; I was afraid I picked up a stalker or something, although I didn't connect the email and the frequent visitor to my journal in my mind.

Thank the stars that she's persistent. Since I was unresponsive, she contacted me on ICQ one night when I actually decided to go visible, and the rush of chats and email began.

It's been absolutely wonderful. We can share what's on our minds and be fully open. Events have move at a lightning pace, even though we're slowing them down a bit now for the sake of our sanity. We've only been in serious communication for a week, after all.

Tonight is our first "playdate," as we call it, doing a "When Harry Met Sally"-esque watching of movies on the phone. (We're going to watch "The Matrix" together, because I want to discuss the movie's subtexts of fate and who controls our lives. We already have another tentative "playdate" to watch "Groundhog Day", a movie I've wanted to see for a very long time.)

I hope that soon I'm watching movies snuggled up on the sofa with her and munching popcorn (Orville Redenbacher, she swore it was the best, so I picked some up especially for the occasion).

Trinity makes me feel wanted. She makes me feel desirable. She wants me around. She insists on it, even. She makes time for me. She likes me for me, and I like her for her. We never have to be "fake" for each other.

We are like two parts of the same mind; when I don't know something, she does, and vice versa. I am the left brain to her right brain. We form a whole in a way that I haven't ever really experienced this fully before.

I don't want this to end. I want it in my life every day. Forever.

Yes, I know I'm gushing. But... that's how it is.

I live in deathly fear of what Gurugrrl will say. I haven't even seen her lately, because our timing sucks; I keep meaning to tell her, "we need to have a talk," but haven't had the opportunity.

One thing is certain: she is going to freak on me. I don't want to hurt her, everybody she's ever known has hurt her, but I don't know what else to do.

What makes me feel even worse is that I just sent her a package for Valentine's Day (even though she hates gifts), but all this has happened since Valentine's Day. It was that quick, and that unexpected.

At the same time, it's not really anything that Gurugrrl has done; it hasn't forced me to look elsewhere. I have just found myself attracted to Trinity in the extreme. I want to see if it goes anywhere.

I still love Gurugrrl, but she's going to hate me, I just know it. I feel about one inch tall when I think about it, but at the same time she's often said that she feels that her distance and hesitation isn't fair to me.

I definitely have mixed feelings, and I know Trin does, too. There's not telling what Gurugrrl will think, so I am digging in to weather whatever storm there may be.

Once I get the package open, I find a bundle of brownies wrapped in tissue paper with a bow around them. I stop to take a picture before I destroyed its integrity forever. I want to capture the sight permanently.

The brownies are delicious, not least of which is because they were sent to me, without my asking, just because somebody cares. As I eat, I thought about my life, and why it was becoming complicated. I wonder if I'm just fickle in my old age, and wondering if I am making a mistake, even though it doesn't feel like a mistake.

Full speed ahead, and torpedoes be damned.

restlessmind