"Hating You for Christmas" ("hidden" track Album: "So Much for the Afterglow", Everclear Thanks for the Christmas card I don't want to hear about your new job now I don't want to hear about your new boyfriend I don't want to hear about it all working out for you No, I don't want to hear it now I don't want to hear about your swinging new place I don't want to hear how everyone thinks it's great I just want to sit in our apartment and hate you Yes, I will be hating you for Christmas You can have the Christmas tree Remember when we bought it at the store down the street? Remember when I found that cheesy color wheel? I don't want to think about the lights on your white skin No, I don't want to think about it I don't want to think about last year at your dad's You said it was the best sex that we both ever had I don't want to think about my face in your soft hair I will be hating you for Christmas... I must be losing my mind There's gotta be a better way to deal with the pain There's gotta be a better way to deal with the hate Wish that I could find some way to make you go away Wish that I could have a drink and make you fade I wish that I could have myself a drink and make you fade I wish that I could have a drink and make you go away Yeah make you go away Wish that I could make you go away I will be hang you for Christmas Yeah I will be hating you for Christmas... Thanks for the Christmas card

I have this sinking feeling she's gone. I feel like I've been "tested," and I didn't pass to her requirements, so she left.

I keep wondering what made her come to this decision, or this seeming decision, I should say, since it's entirely possible she'll waltz back into my life at any moment. She had always told me how much she cared about me, how I was so good to her (but she didn't understand why, despite how many times I have told her why I feel like I do, and what I see in her), how great it will be when we're together.

At the same time, I have to think to myself, you know, you told her that you'd do whatever it takes to be together, because once you cared about somebody a great deal and didn't, so you learned that lesson. You aren't terribly quick about it, but you're making progress. You want get back to the strata that you formerly held, and keep climbing, or at least give it a try. You want it for yourself, finally, and in addition you want it for her.

However, she is the one who won't go get help for herself for things that cause both herself and us as a group problems. She won't let herself be trusting of someone again or give of herself, she's the one who won't do what needs to be done on her side. She's the one who walked away.

That's why this would never work. You tried, and one day she's going to realize the mistake she's made but it'll be too late.

That doesn't help the slo-mo heartbreak, though.

There's a problem with me and relationships. It comes down to this: I don't tend to meet a lot of women I find interesting. (Shoot, I have a problem finding many people interesting for much of any reason.)

Women I really fall for tend to be girls who possess the geek gene and not just carry it, but also exhibit the geek memotype/phenotype. I want somebody to share what I do, what I think, what I like with. I want somebody I can be with a lot of the time and be myself, and she can be herself, and be complimentary in most areas.

Truly, though, I guess really what I'm attracted to is the intellectually drop-dead gorgeous type. I could talk to them about anything, they challenge me, they make me think and question and want to really live.

Add to this that I keep my head grafted to a computing device for the most part, then you can imagine why I tend to meet people online (with mixed success), and before that, on BBSes (albeit with greater success than this).

The problem with this? Experiences like this take the piss out of me. The familiar short version of the story: I find someone who's IDDG, and start to spend time with them, even though I think she can't possibly have an interest in me. Later I find out she does, and we start kindling a relationship. Later something happens and she walks away from me.

With a track record like that, it's no wonder I give up so easily now. In fact, I don't even really look; it used to be my yarn that I have to hold on to anybody I find, because if I lose them it'll be five years or so until somebody else comes along.

Do you care about her?

Yes. A lot. ("Uh, hello?" in Gurugrrl-speak)

Do you miss her?

Hell yes.

Do you want her to come back?

What a stupid question. In a moment.

Is she going to have to give a little if she comes back?

I see no other alternative. If she's serious, she'll make some concessions. If she's not, then she's walked or she won't want to change, and will keep on as she has. Unfortunately, I guess it'll have to be without me.

Do you expect this?

Not in a million years.

So what are you going to do?

Try not to do anything silly over this, keep fixing myself, and add her to the small group of "those who got away, and I wish they hadn't." (She certainly doesn't go in the group of a couple from high school and the one from earlier this year, entitled "those who got away, and their absence could be an actual proof for the existence of a supreme deity."

restlessmind