Oven fried chicken is really gross to make. You wouldn�t think you�d ever put yogurt on chicken. Just thought I�d let you know. Smells good when it�s cooking, though. Listening to "Where Would I Be Without IBM" by Information Society. ("Where would I be without all my toys?/Where would I be without sampled noise?") Tonight on the local PBS station I plan to watch Nova, simply because I want to be upset with them about taking the concept of time travel, wormholes, faster-than-light travel and communications, etc., to task. (And by the way, nothing in the atmosphere can travel faster than sound. Oh, yeah, also nobody can prove Fermat�s Last Theorem. And the world is flat. Remember, too, if someone takes your photograph they�ve captured your soul. [sigh])

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I need to quit volunteering to do things.

I don�t mean stop, altogether. I like doing things for people. I like the look on peoples� faces when you do something for them. It makes me feel useful, instead of just taking up space. Lately, though, I just keep overextending myself. That was okay when I was a teenager and I had lots of energy and could do everything and still function. But I�m definitely not a teenager anymore.

See, I was raised with this constant anthem in my ears that if I wasn�t doing something for somebody else, or doing something because of somebody else, then I was being extremely selfish. One did things for other people, and if you had any time left over then, well, you could have that for yourself. (But don�t get attached to it -- if you have conspicuous free time then we�ll come back and want it later, too.)

I was thinking about this while I was puttering around the kitchen this morning -- this is big government philosophy all over again, except with my time instead of my money (not that I have much of the latter). Maybe this is what made me a libertarian.

What�s worse, I tend to feel rejected if somebody won�t let me do something for them. I feel like they don�t need me, or want me around. And usually I know it�s not the case. I guess I put my self-worth in what I can do for other people.

What�s caused me to think I need to get away from being this way? Well, that�s a little hard to say. Yesterday I was going along, doing quite well and getting everything I had to do done, and was planning on working on something that I told somebody else I�d do for her, but then I realized that I was going to be away from the computer for a while when I was fixing dinner, so why didn�t I burn this one CD that was keeping me from mailing this package to somebody else? So I spent ninety minutes sorting through some files that I told somebody I�d send, weeding out the ones that I didn�t think were appropriate for public consumption, and setting up the master file for the CD, and then putting it in to be written.

This doesn�t count labeling this CD, labeling three others for somebody else, collecting everything to send, packing, addressing, going to the post office (very little of which I�ve done yet)... I had no idea it took so long to do something like this for somebody. But I never do, maybe that�s just it?

And I have at least a half-dozen other projects that I haven�t wanted to work on because they are similarly time-consuming. I keep finding things I have to do, like answer this snailmail letter from one of my best friends in high school. Postmarked June 4. This is getting out of hand.

And the thing is that I have to take care of myself. And I haven�t had time or the inclination to get my mind right, write, work on building my personal site, or the new support group site (something I volunteered for, but this is actually something for me, too, though), or spend time with Gurugrrl without doing something else at the same time, because I definitely want to give her my undivided attention. And when was the last time I even sat down and read a book? (Yeah, I know, I don�t know either!)

So for the time being, I think I am going on a volunteerism (or conscription, for that matter) hiatus.

What I really fear is that people who read this are going to think, "wow, Mike, I didn�t know I was being such a pain in the ass." This is far from the case, though. I just need some space. I need to feel like I am a valid person for once. I want to reserve my time to take care of things I need to do, like working on my mental and physical health, honing what few skills I have left, spending some time with Gurugrrl and Crafty (who I haven�t seen in several days, I hope she doesn�t think I�ve abandoned her entirely), creating and writing, getting some reading done.

In this same vein, Kirk left a message on my answering machine the other day about this job that he thought I should check out. I don�t know why he�s always looking out for me, but it I realize fully now that he has no idea what is entailed in a job like that.

Sure, I think I would probably like a webmeister job of some sort, or perhaps develop software for the web (or, since I like to work for small companies, probably a combination of the two, along with network administration or somesuch). What I detest is that most places tend to expect you to come in with a pat set of skills. I am a generalist ("specialization is for insects"). If I don�t know how to do something, I learn. And I don�t carry around a lot of specifics in my head. It seems a silly thing to do, to me.

But nobody wants to hire generalists unless they have a track record, know somebody and/or have a good line of BS in an interview. I don�t have any of the three! Not to mention that I don�t have confidence.

Maybe this is the crux problem.

I made the mistake of telling Gurugrrl about this job. I think she was a little disgusted at my lack of confidence in myself. She pointed out that I tend to use a lot of negative words in correlation with myself (specifically "don�t," but also "can�t," "couldn�t," "shouldn�t..." You know, the regular).

Long ago I had confidence in myself, but I almost feel like it was the overblown, mania-induced confidence that doesn�t actually mean you can do something, it just means that you�re heading for a bad crash at the end of the journey. But then, I used to come through with a lot.

Actually, I think about just doing my own thing. Build up some background, have something to show somebody, and maybe parlay it into something more. Or perhaps work on some product, but I don�t have anybody to work with.

I miss having a group of geeks in my life.

restlessmind

Ancient history:

2013-03-01

"You'll be stone dead in a moment!"

2007-08-07

I covet fuck you money

2007-07-16

My own long, dark tea-time of the soul

2007-07-11

My internet experience is lacking

2007-07-10

Coincidence