Yes, it's been a while. Lately we've been trying to work out some simple things like getting my geek room put together (note: we've lived in our house more than four months and I haven't set my computer up yet) and watching a lot of "Felicity" (hey, it's being shown two episodes per weekday — I can see the whole series in a little over two months!). I've also been working on some stuff for work lately that's taking up a lot of my time, and will make a decent demo if I could finish it in a reasonable length of time.

As is always the case, I have so many things swirling around my mind to say, and haven't approached any of it. Not one whit of it. However, there are a lot of things I need to do, and books piling up to be read. Instead, I let it all go.

I have a fire inside to start working on something new. I know what I want to work on, but I don't do it. I have no idea how to even begin.

Part of me feels that it's pointless to write here. The visitation has dropped off precipitously, and Google seems to have forsaken me (probably because I don't update). I keep thinking I should start a real blog and let Diaryland go. I don't know what to do.

Depressed? Perhaps.

Here's a thought that I have been mulling over: I have read that as people get older, they are generally happier. However, the thought thought that they are happier because they begin to pick goals that are easier to achieve so they aren't frustrated by failures. They give up the dreams of youth that are large and hard to attain. In addition, they begin to transform their immediate environments and get involved in community. They grow roots.

I am remarkably root-resistant. I want to do the Big Things that come from Big Ideas. I always have. I can't seem to let it go.

Is that really the province of youth? Am I too old for this stuff?

A while back I had an idea for a content site. It was content that Marilynn and I could amass and keep, and it would be relatively fun to collect it. I could take photos and work it into that, and maybe make a few bucks and write off the costs of our web hosting and some camera equipment and maybe even some square footage from our house. A little home business thing, but nothing terribly challenging.

On the other hand, I am really interested in a technology that won't take hold for at least ten years, and it's a big technology. I'd love to get involved, and there is opportunity to learn a lot and do new, exciting things.

But, y'know, I turn thirty-six next year. I'm old, at least as far as technology is concerned.

I really don't know what to do. I think buried in this, effectively, is the crux of my life. I know what I want, and I know what I can have with relative certainty. I'd enjoy doing what is easily within my grasp, but as a person will I really be happy when I can't work on something big?

I want to be happy, but I still feel like a great career has passed me by. I can't ever change the world — I spent my youth in depression and failure. What do I do?

restlessmind