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I have a tendency to say things to get a reaction or rise out of people. I do this for humor's sake, but sometimes I go overboard. It's in my nature. Remember that as I recount this tale. A few weeks ago when I came to bed, I told Marilynn that we should start a porn site. Of course, the outrageous bit was that she should star in it. "Yeah, it's a new concept in porn. We'll take a lot of pictures and take a one-time payment for access to the whole set of pictures. Most adult sites want recurring payments and what have you, so we'll just do 'pay me once' things to skim money that way." The looks she gave me were priceless. Of course, I didn't mean it. What came from it was the bit that could be seen as a small-scale exercise of the Law of Unintended Consequences: "do you look at a lot of porn?" Gulp! At times, I look at porn. I find the female body beautiful, so sometimes I like to look at them. Sometimes I like to see people in sexual situations, because I am either interested or curious in the particular practice, or just find the whole thing stimulating. Does this make me bad? No. Does it make me a pervert? In some people's eyes, yes. I just hope Marilynn doesn't find me to be one of the perverts. I'm a guy. I like boobies. Like our friend Ed says, "if I didn't look, then something's wrong with me, you better get me to a hospital." Does this mean that I am not interested in Marilynn, or that I don't find her attractive? She implies that if I look at pornography it makes her feel that she's not enough for me, or that I am not interested in her, but that's not the case at all. Does that mean I want other people? No. Does my answering that mean I don't find other people attractive? No, but that doesn't mean that I want them instead of her. I wish she understood this and would feel secure. She should know I love her more than anything. It's a guy thing. Of course, I am private about all this because it's colored by a subtext of shame. My upbringing had threads throughout it that certain topics were filled with shame and were not to be discussed, or even explored. Thus, I had to hide things throughout my life. Thus, when Marilynn tries to talk to me about it I clam up, because I'm afraid of disapproval. I know that I'm an adult so I shouldn't worry about what anybody thinks, but I still do. This isn't the only thing I keep to myself because of the fear of disapproval, either. Sometimes it's Marilynn's disapproval, or that of my family, but at times it's people of a certain group or even strangers. For some reason, I care what other people think. Is this silly? Yes. I don't know how to get over it; our society's misplaced puritanical roots enforce these feelings. I think the long and the short of this and another entry were that sometimes, I just want to be who I am. Marilynn took what I wrote very badly, thinking I was saying that she was keeping me from accomplishing things. Of course, that's not the case, because before we met I still didn't accomplish those things — making the changes is a transformation over a period of time, but sometimes I do need to work on those things independently. I'm not sure how she'll take what I've written today, either. I don't mean anything negative by it at all, I just thought it was an interesting anecdote and it's something that comes up in our relationship from time to time, so I thought I'd put down my fractured thoughts on the matter. I feel quite positive about what I've written, because I am afraid she feels diminished by me looking at things like that, or if I happen to glance at someone when we're out or anything of that ilk. I want her to know that I love her, and I'm not thinking the grass is greener somewhere else or wanting something different in a relationship. I'm just a man, and if it makes me a bastard so be it, I'm a bastard. I'm your bastard, as long as you want me.
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