Mabon passed earlier this week, and I did nothing. In fact, every sabbat passed this year, and I did nothing.

I think what bothered me the most was that I didn't even realize it was coming until I realized on the day that it was Mabon. I stay so wrapped up in what I do at work and in my everyday life that I don't even think about that part of me.

I think part of it is ingrained. For so long, I ignored that part of me. I simply let spirituality go, and it became natural for the thought of what days meant to not be a part of my life. I let it pass and holidays eventually became days that were paid days off from work that I spent with family (sometimes).

A part of it, too, is that I feel so closed off from things. My emotions are closed, I don't hear the voices of spirit and nature. I don't know if it's because of stress, or depression (I don't think this is the case), or what, but I just don't feel it. I am apart from all that at this point in my life.

Before, when I was shown this and open to it as a possibility, it was everywhere. I acknowledged the world and felt its power around me. Over time, it stopped talking to me, and once I came out of myself and realized it was gone, I felt very alone.

What I find somewhat annoying is that some of my coworkers think just because I feel affinity with pagan beliefs means that I am a wiccan. I am not a wiccan. Perhaps that's all they're used to – after all, the person who says that most used to be a goth kid, so I imagine he was most exposed to that.

Lately, my thoughts have turned to what kind of pagan beliefs do I hold dear? I feel certain pulls towards shamanism. I have interests in druidic beliefs, and others that are generally wiccan, although I can take neither of these paths wholesale, regardless of which tradition. Most of all, given my background, life experience and simply who I am, I feel a pull to technopaganism. Also, being me, I have a large array of thoughts and beliefs of my own. I accept magick, but I also have thoughts on its nature and whether I should practice it or not.

Sometimes I wonder if this struggle with identity and belief is why I am not open to the calls and learning the lessons I am being presented. Instead, I go through life unconscious to what is around me. I believe that I need to get grounded so I can explore these beliefs, and only then will I hear again.

Saturday is Pagan Pride Day in Houston. Marilynn and I went last year, but I just felt as if I were some sort of interloper. I think partly I felt like I should know somebody there so that I didn't feel as though we were an island, and also I wasn't fully at peace with my thoughts on the subject. (It didn't help that the guy from Green Mountain Energy was harassing me.) I was reading a lot of books on wicca, but I didn't feel as deep a connection with that, as the feminine energies just don't jibe with my experience, so I was in some sort of turmoil on the whole subject.

I don't think I should go this year. In the last year, I've not been practicing as I should, and I feel as though I have no reason to be proud of that. Perhaps in the next cycle of the wheel of life I'll do more and feel as though I belong.

restlessmind