The next day, we decided it would be a good idea to get out of town.

Sometimes you just need to get out of town and head out... somewhere. I was destined to go on this road trip in April 2002. You know - just take off three weeks and get in the Grand Prix and take off for parts unknown. One of the reasons I picked my Grand Prix was that it was an excellent road trip car, at least for me.

Where? I have no idea. I was just going to head out somewhere. I knew I was going to go out west, to California, probably Nevada, drop by and see The Thing in Arizona... I considered actually going up to Montana or even swinging all the way back across the country and going to the eastern seaboard.

I wasn't even entirely convinced that I was going to come back to Texas. Maybe I would just chuck it all, find somewhere I wanted to be. Find a new life, as it were, even though I know in my heart that your demons follow you wherever you go until you exorcise them.

Maybe I was going to exorcise demons. Maybe I was looking for adventure. Maybe I don't know why I was going.

Saturday afternoon around 2:00 PM we got into my car and set out with no particular destination -- we just knew we were going north of Houston. After stopping in The Woodlands for a few goodies and gas, we set out for places unknown.

I thought we were just going to go thirty or forty miles north of Huntsville, maybe drive around Huntsville, maybe let her get out in front of the Polunsky or Ellis unit in Huntsville and take some pictures.

Instead, we went to Dallas.

It took us thirteen hours to make the whole trip -- we pulled back into the carport around 3:15 AM Sunday morning. Almost six hundred miles, 29.5 miles per gallon and some seriously bleary eyes told the story. Between there was lots of radio searching, lots of driving around lost, and lots of fun had by all.

Among the highlights:

• Marilynn shared her love of hair bands with me. I'm still recovering from this. In revenge, the next road trip will involve lots of Boston, mark my words.
• I tried to share my love of the Art Bell show, especially considering she's into the paranormal. Didn't work, though. Marilynn seems to like Dallas radio better than Houston Radio.
• We found a Carl's Jr.! Carl's Jr. has to be my favorite fast food chain, and I was sure that it would be quite some time before I would eat a Six Dollar Burger again. On I-20 on the way from Dallas to Fort Worth there was one at a Love's truck stop, though. I wouldn't say it had the most savory characters in it at 10:00 PM, though.
• If you ever get off in Centerville and decide to drive up the little two-lane road that connects it to Buffalo, Texas, then you should definitely not go off the beaten path for a garage sale. Especially when that path is red dirt and you're driving a car that sits as low to the ground as mine does (and needs suspension work).
• If you get to Dallas at 9:30 PM, don't try to go to the State Fair -- you'll be in gridlock for days. Also, don't look for anything to do downtown -- there isn't anything.
• There's nothing more fun than finding a city named after where you lived in California that exists in another state. Get lots of pictures to confuse your family.

• We won't even talk about how I managed to get in trouble about the redheaded waitress for our table without even trying.

  Eat the buffet at Sam's Restaurant in Fairfield, Texas. The chicken-fried steak and mashed potatoes are excellent. Don't keep driving, though, because it's going to turn fetid in your tummy before too many more miles.
• Zen navigation is the art of finding someone who looks like they know where they're going, and following them until you know where you're at. Following the police is a good practice when you are attempting to attune to someone's directional vibes. (Did I mention we got lost in downtown Dallas? We could have gotten spectacular pictures of the Reunion Tower sphere, but we didn't want to stop because there were too many homeless about?)

I had this odd, epiphanistic experience at Love's/Carl's Jr. in Dallas -- I am sitting in the toilet in the Love's trying to expel the aforementioned fetid post-buffet, and to my left I see something scratched into the toilet paper holder.

It was a poem that was etched there by a previous... occupant... of this stall. (I wish I could have taken a picture, but it's a little odd to take a camera into a busy bathroom.) I stared at it for a very long time, and as best I can remember, it goes like this:

"I am still alive.
I lost my wife of 12 yrs.
I haven't seen my kids in over 3 months.
I lost my truck and my business.
I work 80+ hours a week.
I have $4.00 to my name.
I believe in God.
I am homeless.
I live in a truck.
I haven't bathed in 2 days.
I am doing the best I can.
I am not living, but I am still alive.
-- Eric"

The message was obvious, but it was heartfelt -- I sat and stared at this for the longest time. I stared into its etchings, the straight lines and the curving of the lines as they got further from the seat, just as if someone had sat there and had to record their thoughts, to show the world that yes, this homeless man who was sleeping in the parking lot of this truck stop next to the bus station was still alive.

It spoke to me. The message I've been seeking is encapsulated in there, somewhere -- a story of a person that I could want to understand. The idea that he has a story, a life, and while it means nothing to no one but him, I care. I want to find that in the world, explain my existence. Maybe I am just looking for myself, or maybe I know where I am, but I forgot where I'm keeping myself

I want to understand. I want to be understood.

I guess I am still looking for myself. The last few weeks have given Houston a couple close brushes with hurricanes, and the continuing heat we are just now getting a break from, coupled with the traffic and the occasional stoking of my depression has reminded me about why I want away from here so badly.

I am having this incredible urge to go on the road trip again. Of course, it's impractical -- Marilynn and I have responsibilities, she starts a new job next Monday that will probably be a very good career move, and I am well thought of at my work, and I'm now getting to program about all the time in my job, something I've wanted for quite some time.

But there's something missing. Something.

I know if we go somewhere, those demons will follow. But maybe the answer to those demons are out there? Or are they in here? Without exposing myself to new things, how to I push and challenge myself to find the answers I'm seeking? I don't know if there is a good answer.

restlessmind