Marilynn and I have been living together for a smidge more than three months now. It makes me wonder which of us will go nuts first sometimes.

Sometimes I think that we are entirely different - she prefers a moderately unstructured life, likes to spend all our time together and likes movies and restaurants. I like to put some form and plan some things, I need my free and alone time and love to browse bookshops and read. (Have I mentioned I've rediscovered reading as a pleasure activity? Not as much as I'd like to be reading, but still, some.)

I guess I just want to have an ordered life so I can work on things, like that new journal (Its Own Reward). I don't always want to just say, "we're leaving home and we'll see what is what when we get there." That's fun sometimes, but it can be stressful as a way of life. I think I am adjusting somewhat, as is Marilynn.

I'd be all spifftastic if it weren't for lack of sleep a lot of nights and feeling like I have to please her all the time. I know she has some similar issues with me.

My biggest issue? We're always broke. How can we make this much money and always be broke?

Given the high-tech shakeout and the contraction of salaries, our raises here at work may be small to nonexistent this year. (At least the rumor isn't that we're going to be told salaries will be cut.) This means that for the next year my income will be flat, whereas my expenses are far higher. I worry about things like rent and paying bills.

Marilynn got a job with a home services company, but the pay is somewhat low and she's already bored. She says she is going to look for one, but sometimes I feel like I am pushing her to do so, and I believe she's afraid to look for another job because she has a low self-image (like myself). I am trying to handle it with kid gloves.

Meanwhile, I try to think of a bright idea to make some money that isn't pr0n-related.

On the upside, our townhouse rocks. We're both really happy with it, although I think once we're settled in it'll feel very empty, at least downstairs (we have a definite lack of furnishings). I finally have all my books arranged and out on shelves again, and it makes me feel good to know if I want to thumb something it's not a ritual chore of locating, unpacking and looking. Now I can just take them off a shelf.

The bedroom is nice, but we have it reeking of incense now. There are also a large cadre of monkeys (she loves monkeys) and penguins (I love penguins) everywhere.

We need to vacuum. I may not be deathly allergic to the cat, but it builds up over time. We just can't 'cause there's too much stuff laying about.

Stuff laying about?

Yeah - I have, my whole adult life, avoided dealing with a lot of things - some of those things have records and stubs and booklets and all sorts of things attached. I am still trying to process this down.

After a while I really wish I'd done it before, because it only takes a while to find out which pens in that big box of pens work, or to separate out eight year old bank statements, find financial and personal information and shred it. I keep taking large boxes of garbage out to the dumpster.

Probably most surprising is that I'm pursuing an interest. For a long time I've had interests in ideas like the physics of consciousness and the observer, paranormal and supernatural phenomenon, magic and the occult, cultures, etc. As well, as I have gotten older I find that I am missing something in my life, but I am still absolutely repulsed by the whole idea of Christianity in my life.

So... I've begun exploring paganism and Wicca.

So right now I am reading about it, learning and exploring the ideas and ideology, and I feel like I am getting these... looks... from Marilynn. Not worried looks like she doesn't understand what it's about, so much. I think she knows that it's just an earth religion and understands the basic concepts behind it.

Maybe it's just that she's afraid that I don't want her, but instead I want someone who practices witchcraft and has beliefs rooted in paganism. I can see how that would worry her, but I wish she would understand I want her and that the interests and ideas and desires to learn are things I've had for some time. They're not new, they're not rooted in that. I've had some of the basic beliefs since I was a small child, and I keep seeing evidence and background that leads me to them the older I get. I felt it was time to investigate in depth.

Maybe it's that she's mentioned to me a couple times that she had always wanted an organized religious practice in her life, and has even asked me if I would go to church with her. I hate to tell her no, but... I've also asked her to explore Wicca with me, maybe she would like to practice with me so I didn't have to be a total Solitary, but I think she's shy of it.

Also, I would say that she's not just shy of it. I think she's afraid of what people will think when they find out. I know that secrecy is traditionally a part of witchcraft, and keeping your own religious practice to yourself is your prerogative, but I don't want to have to keep it a total secret, especially in my own home. I want to be able to do what I want to do as I feel the need to, but I feel like she is expecting me to hide it.

I have decided that the new site above will be the place where I explore my spirituality in a more open forum, keep my notes, etc. I just have to write that code... (I know I always say that, but that's not possible yet, and I do have much of it written.)

So, unresolved issues rule the day in our home life. Isn't that the way of things? It's all adjustment and compromise.

There are times that I feel like I should probably be alone. I could have more control over my fate, I could study and work as I see fit, I'd finish more projects. But then I'd also be alone.

But Marilynn makes me happy. The joy I get from holding her hand or rubbing her shoulders at the store. Sitting on the floor and playing with the cat. The way she reaches over and strokes my hair while we lay in bed reading before going to sleep. It all makes it worthwhile.

I think we'll make it.

restlessmind