Focus. Think about what you need to do. Get a grip.

I need to finish Kirk's site. I know I keep saying that, but this is serious now. I need to do that so I can start working on prototyping my other idea. I need demos on the web. I think he just had no idea how it would impact the site when he kept changing the databasing requirements. Sigh. Now I need to go back and revamp all the code. Before, I could focus. Now? It's all a swirling mass.

I need to redo my portfolio page. It's functional, but not attractive. I have an idea for a redesign, but I haven't gotten around to doing it yet. Sigh. And put my resum� online. And I have another idea for some content to put up there.

I've got to get a temp job. This is my task for next week. I want to work, even if it's wholly unexciting.

The couple of temp gigs I was working on fell through the cracks when I got the let-down the other day. I got tired of playing phone-tag, anyway. Any way you slice it, I quit following up, so did they, so it just fell apart.

I emailed the woman that I saw Tuesday about the job with the other department this afternoon, but she didn't write me back. Being a Friday afternoon, I don't wonder why, but if she doesn't write me back Monday I know she's blowing me off.

I have nothing set up for next week. I'm really starting to worry.

I keep telling myself, you've only started job-hunting again a couple weeks ago. You've been on a lot of interviews, so don't give up yet. Still, it's as annoying as Hell.

Maybe it's the jobs I'm seeking - I'm a relative newcomer to all this, really, so perhaps that's it. The thing is, I have all the raw skills and talents, if not all the specifics. Although if I'm not being turned down on technical merits, as I've been told... then what is it? Hmmm.

Gurugrrl said maybe somebody's talking trash about me; perhaps a past employer (I wouldn't put it past the last couple regular positions I've been at to talk trash about me, or anybody else who had worked there; they're just that kind of people) or one of my references (but since I'm giving Kirk and Xander as professional references, I don't think they would do that (Kirk certainly wouldn't, and Xander has always really doted on me for some reason, albeit with the notation that I'm very moody), and I'm giving her as a personal one, so that should be okay, too).

All I know is that I'm ready to get back out there. It's been too long, I'm really ready. The anxiety this is causing is draining my creativity, and even my will to create. I have ideas in my head constantly, but they never get executed, or get executed very badly. (I'm sure y'all can tell.) Or, even worse, something that should take two hours takes me two days.

It's hard to function this way, but all I can do is tough it out.

restlessmind