Dream sequence: I'm standing in the living room having an argument with Moogie. Suddenly, a wall catches fire, near a wall socket. Ohmigosh! I think, and rush over there. Moogie has a broom from somewhere, who knows where? She starts beating the flames with her broom while I look on the other side of the wall. The flames are on the other side, too. Every time she beats the flames, they spread. Now the living room is engulfed in flames. I wake up. Strange radio: Coast-to-Coast-AM, formerly the Art Bell show. Where do they find these freaks?

I have something on my mind. (Actually, I have quite a bit on my mind, but this is one particular thing I am thinking about.)

It makes me feel genuinely bad thinking about this. I don't think about it all the time, but when the night gets still and my mind wanders, it invariably wanders to this topic.

It's a topic I don't know the truth about. I want to know, but at the same time, I don't. The pain it would give me to find out, either way, would be unwelcome, for sure, but also be dangerous.

Why do we think about things we should just leave alone? Why can't I leave this alone?

I think about this. I really wish that it was one way. The way that would make me happiest, the way that would mean that I am not just a bad person. But I know, deep down, that it's not that way.

Gristle says I should just leave it alone. But I can't. But I can't find out either way.

I feel like I'm in a Far-Side cartoon where Satan is pointing at two doors, telling a guy to pick one. The one on the left is inscribed "DAMNED if you do". Of course, the other says "DAMNED if you don't".

restlessmind

Ancient history:

2013-03-01

"You'll be stone dead in a moment!"

2007-08-07

I covet fuck you money

2007-07-16

My own long, dark tea-time of the soul

2007-07-11

My internet experience is lacking

2007-07-10

Coincidence