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Mood music: Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away Suddenly, I'm not half to man I used to be Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play Weird thought for the day:
I get to where I can't do anything. I can't function. I can't write. I can't even think straight. I get a distant look in my eye and feel like there's a huge weight on my shoulders and I shut down.
I don't always know why, though.
Lately I've had something on my mind. Something I've not been able to talk about, or even knew if there was anybody who would listen. I didn't expect to really find any sympathetic ears.
It was all touched off by my last entry. It was more than I think I wanted to say. I'd never really put it into any words before, and the idea that I was striving for this goal and never finding it made me start to silently reassess everything, something I didn't feel like I wanted to do in public.
Nonetheless, while performing this reassessment I was doing a damned good job of just stuffing my feelings into my stomach. I didn't want to think about it, even though I needed to. I was just trying to avoid thinking, period, and slid into the depths once again, and going to work. Of course, since my temp job ended a couple weeks ago, I had even more time to try to avoid thinking about things.
Finally, late one night a few days ago I was talking to someone and avoiding working on Kirk's website and working on a new toy, and just let the line of thought continue freely, following the line of reasoning to its inexorable conclusion. I realized what the whole deal was, why I wasn't writing, why I was stuffing what I was feeling down deep, why I was hiding from all my friends. It was something simple, and from my standpoint, even something obvious. I was just avoiding thinking about it because pursuit of the possibility would be destructive, futile and wrong.
But since then, I've realized I can't pursue it.
All my life I've raged against what was around me. I can't leave well enough alone, and I'm eternally unsatisfied. I couldn't accept what was in front of me.
I am where I am in life, I can't deny that. It's certainly not where I want to be. However, doing something rash, doing something obviously in my own worst interest, doing something destructive isn't going to help. I need to look at what I have accomplished to date, hold on to what I have now, and go from there, rather than switching midstream, hurting myself and others, and probably seeing nothing for it.
After the cryptic entry (some of you will know what I mean, the rest... it's not really important now), I return you to regularly scheduled entries, or at least as regular as they once were.
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