I've been struggling with my thoughts the last few days. I started working on an entry, and it got longer, and longer, and didn't say enough, so I added and changed and tweaked and... well, it got out of hand. I am trying to put some final form on it so I can post it.

I'm off my medication. The nurse I called at the center I go to told me to quit taking Celexa because apparently it was really making a right knaws up of my mind. She asked me if I had any Remeron left I could take, and I told her two fifteen milligram tablets; I am going to take them the next two nights just to start building up a dose (before I had effects from Remeron after just three or four days, so I want to accelerate this process as much as possible), because I'm going to go in and demand I go back on Remeron, and if they don't want to pay for it, give me a damned prescription and I'll take it to get it filled myself.

Thus, here I am on no medication going through a very stressful period with Gurugrrl and Trinity. The former isn't talking to me, and the latter thinks I'm some sort of freak because I had a mood conversion over the course of a day because... well, that will be part of the Really Long Entry�. It's got me going in so many separate directions at once, because I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to do to get Gurugrrl to actually not despise me, and convince Trinity that, indeed, I'm not the mess she thinks I am. I wish she knew some of the people I know who could tell her that while I am having a hard time adjusting right now, no, I really am a decent guy who cares about his friends, tries to be there for them, wouldn't hurt a fly and just had one awful night (and of course, when somebody you're becoming smitten with runs, not walks, away, you're going to have it lingering on).

Moogie's back. I never said she was going, did I?

She went to Tennessee to see her sister last week. My family lineage, in that area, is... strange. I'll try to fill it in someday. Basically, they discovered one another (and another brother, too) a few years ago, and they try to spend some time together occasionally, so she flew out there to visit.

Well, I went to pick her up at the airport last night, and on the way home she wanted to have dinner. Apparently, they ate Mexican out, and if you know true Mexican food, you know that it's rather bland. We're used to Tex-Mex, which is hot and spicy and chews up your stomach lining. (And worth it, it is!)

On the way home, we stopped at a Tex-Mex place and had dinner. She spun the tale of her trip during dinner, and near the end of the meal, when she was done telling me what she had to say, she asked me how my week was. I was quieter than normal; in fact, I just sighed and said it was okay. And sat. And stared at my drink, thinking about Trinity and the mess things had become. And stabbed at my ice with my straw.

She's been pestering me about what's on my mind ever since. I told her I was off Celexa. I told her they were cutting back hours at work, and that was a little upsetting. I didn't tell her that my personal life (which she doesn't figure in to a large extent) was going down for the third time and the lifeguard is on a break.

So now, true to form, I have Moogie hovering about wondering what's wrong. She wanted to go to lunch again today, since she was off, ostensibly to give me another opportunity to spill. When we went I dropped off my car at K-Mart to get the oil changed and we went to this little place in Pearland called Central Texas Barbecue that is... well, just like it sounds: a little homey, Texas-style barbecue place. The walls are covered with a mishmash of plaques you buy at roadside stands on the long byways in Texas, old movie posters, old crate labels and some stuff drawn by the grandkids. Nearly every table is covered with family photos and mementos under glass. It's a really neat place, and they have the best barbecue. (There's another one (or used to be another one) in Clear Lake down by Johnson Space Center on NASA 1, that's done out in space and autographed astronaut photos and memorabilia.)

I didn't spill. She's getting a little upset with me about that, I think, because I never confide in her about much of anything anymore, mostly because of the way she overreacts. (If I ever hear, "you're just like your father" one more time, I know I'll scream, I know it.)

If I don't spill, though, I'll bust. I'll know it. So... on with the other entry. I just didn't want y'all to think I'm gone or something.

restlessmind