Day 10 Feeling: A little lost, but I'll survive. The pills seem to be having a net positive effect, which is good. I don't feel as desperately depressed all the time, although it's never far away, if the right circumstances come together. I need a full theraputic dose, dammit!

I won't pretend to understand. Rather the opposite, in fact. Even after a day, it seems so contrived. There is no rhyme or reason that my mind can impose upon your words.

I don't attribute malice. I attribute confusion, upset and bad circumstances. I even think you honestly believe what you said, that I am getting well and I don't need you anymore. You are so wrong. I have an emotional form of phantom limb syndrome, feeling the hurt of a part of me that you've taken away, and only you could bring back.

When we met we needed each other; you freely shared more that night than you wanted to share ever since, maybe because the idea of baring your soul like that to me meant that I could hurt you like the others had. I don't think I have ever hurt you that way, and I never would. But still, the fear is there.

Once we began to spend more and more time together you preferred to only give, rather than taking from me. You pointed me down the path of healing that I've embarked upon. When it came your turn to take that same path, as you said you would (for yourself, and for the good of us), you shrunk from it like you would a poisonous snake.

It hurt me to see you in pain, as it hurt you to see me in pain. It was high on my list of priorities for each of us to quit hurting and live again. Unfortunately, you couldn't take that from me for your own reasons, and my insistence that you take from me caused you to drift. In time, you were so far that communication wasn't possible on the topic anymore.

Once you told me that you "knew" I was coming into your life, that I would come into it, and I would be there to help you and make the pain go away. I've offered many times. You chose not to accept the help.

I don't cherish the thought of going on without you, as I am sure you don't like the idea either, but the circumstances aren't of my making, but they can be the of your undoing. It's up to you, please choose wisely.

I miss you.

restlessmind

Ancient history:

2013-03-01

"You'll be stone dead in a moment!"

2007-08-07

I covet fuck you money

2007-07-16

My own long, dark tea-time of the soul

2007-07-11

My internet experience is lacking

2007-07-10

Coincidence