To Andrea: I know I said I would talk later about my posting that entry, but you know what? I don't really want to talk about it. I didn't do anything wrong, except in your eyes. It's your expectations that you need to take a look at, instead.

Look at it this way: people who are in my life are going to be in my journal, and you reached a "threshold" where you were crossing into it. Live with it. It's a package deal, you get both, or you get neither (well, apart from what I've written already; I'm not taking the entry down).

I think you really overestimate your importance in my life. When you're ready to deal let me know, otherwise, seeya.

Last night Gurugrrl came online while I was sitting and doing something (for the life of me, I can't remember what, exactly, but my memory has been iffy for quite a while, anyway). We had some light banter, and I was kidding around with her about her call the night before. I had asked her to call me but she didn't until really late, long after I'd been to bed and taken my Remeron. I was zoned out in a major way.

(Actually, all I can remember of the call is her telling me that I sounded really tired, and I told her I'd had my pill and asking if she'd be around the next day.)

Well, she was around the next day, but something was going on with her, but what, I don't know (other than being down, and worried about her job, most likely needlessly as I keep telling her), but this shouldn't strike me as unusual because she is pretty quiet about things on her mind all the time, even though she knows it drives me insane.

After a while of chatting I started feeling wiped out (the "hangover effect") and needed to lay down. I asked her if she would call me after she found the software she was looking for online and had it downloaded and installed, and while she had said before that she would, she said now that she wouldn't; apparently she was upset with me because I'm not a mind reader, knowing what was going on, or something. I told her I didn't know what it was about me that made her upset and not able to share what's on her mind, but maybe she'd be better off if we weren't around each other, and then left.

Maybe this is a problem of my expectations. I expect somebody who tells me that she loves me and thinks about me and cares about me to let me share in her thoughts and worries and concerns and life. It meant that before. Apparently somebody's changed the definition and not told me.

Maybe I'm expecting too much. Or maybe I just can't deal with being held at a distance anymore.

I guess this makes me a hypocrite. It won't be the first time I've been self-contradictory.

She used to tell me that if I kept thinking and saying that she would walk away from me at some point, I shouldn't be surprised if she did.

Well, she always tells me that she fears that she'll never be "enough" for me, because I always want to know what's going on and share how she's feeling, and she "just can't."

Maybe she shouldn't be surprised if I leave, either.

I feel sped up, too.

I started to listen to the intro of "Not Your Girl" by Bree Sharp, and usually it seemed impossibly fast, I guess because I always felt like I was moving in slow motion.

Well, I listen today, and it's not even quick. It seems like a moderate beat.

Maybe these pills are having an effect. What it may be, I have no idea.

restlessmind