I did a complete overhaul of the "Them" page. I had been looking at it, thinking about how awful the HTML Dreamweaver made for that page was, and how I needed to go clean it up some to make the file smaller.

Well, while I was at it, I rewrote most of it, too. So now it's longer than before I started. [smirk]

Apparently I'm not the only one with an Extreme Suckage Field�. Sitemeter seems to be having its own lately.

Earlier today it was offline for a while, sm2.sitemeter.com was refusing connections and all that rot. I figured they were just down and I'd lose a few hours of stats.

Imagine my displeasure when I discovered that everything from November 10 through December 14 disappeared. Argh. I have several trackers with Sitemeter, a couple that came after that period, so I had to go re-register them because apparently they'd forgotten that I ever registered for them.

Now it appears to be down again. You know, I really like Sitemeter, but I don't know which way to turn on this now if this is going to become a regular occurrence.

That's okay - the suckage is wider. I have several email forwards with pobox.com, and I noticed that my forwarded mail isn't coming through (to test it, I dropped about fifty messages on myself), and I can't log in to their site to check the status (it says there is an error occurring in their login script). Even better, their SMTP server is slow right now.

When it rains, it pours...

I think I know what is causing my mood to drop, by the way.

Gurugrrl says she cares about me very much. I really believe that. But what makes her avoid telling me things, even when she said she will?

She has found a way to avoid things in a way to spare my feelings and keep herself from being pinned down on avoiding a topic. She misdirects me with things that could possibly be true so that if I say something, I don't "trust" her. In fact, I don't actually think the things she misdirects me with are false, I think she just uses them as convenient excuses to avoid subjects she doesn't want to discuss. It falls in line with my prior experience of her, and with also given the topics in question.

I find it curious in the extreme that she can tell me how she wishes I was with her and it will be so wonderful when we're together, and that the fears I have about us being together and being accepted by her are the same thoughts she has with regard to me, as well, but then she keeps herself under wraps.

This transpired in about ten minutes on Monday night, and she didn't even make herself available to me last night. I'm not sure what's up, exactly, but I go from being confused, to angry, to despair, to apologetic, and back to confused. I'm tired of it, I want to know where I stand, what's going on, and I want her to be open with me.

And I want her to stop accusing me of not trusting her. She knows better than that. I've been more open with her about a lot of things than I have been with almost anybody else in a very long time.

I find it even more curious that she tells me that she is scared of our relationship because every time one tries again, one exposes a part of themselves, and if the relationship fails, that part of them dies. If she'd just go with it, maybe that wouldn't happen. Maybe it'd be one of those "happily ever after" situations.

I'm not sure what she's scared of, exactly. I'm fearful, but I know that once I look in her eyes, look into her "soul," and see that everything is fine, the fear will subside soon after. So maybe I don't understand what's going on in her mind. (I have the sinking feeling that she's still stuck on her ex, and can't move on as long as that's the case. If that's the case, there's probably nothing for me, so I would probably just need to go ahead and break it off and try to get over it as soon as possible, because I know it took me almost seven years to get over mine, and it's not been nearly that many for her.)

She needs to realize that I won't hurt her (and if she hasn't figured that out by now, this probably isn't going to work, anyway). Perhaps she needs to realize that this hurts me. And maybe she's just not ready, and won't be anytime soon.

I talked to Crafty about it a little, and she told me that she'd been considering writing her, although I was unsure if it was to ask her what the deal was, or to tell her how much I really care about her and that I'd never do whatever evil she must be thinking I would do (or perhaps the opposite; maybe she wanted to warn her off me) or just write her and tell her off for doing me this way.

Funny, Violet always said that Gurugrrl was jerking me around, too. (Of course, I can't say, it seems like Violet is miffed with me, too, and I don't know what I did to her, either.)

I don't like any of the options, and all I can do is wait and worry.

restlessmind