I finally did a little better layout. I don't find it nearly as tacky as the old graphics that were thrown together during a complete dearth of inspiration. I am still not happy with the menu, and yes, I know all the colors of green and yellow don't quite match, thankyouverymuch.

Rome wasn't built in a day, even if it was built by a couple guys raised by wolves.

My ISP wrote me back about the problems I have been having with my email. They will have to forgive me if I don't feel reassured:

The problem you experienced is most likely due to the additional load-balancing mail servers we have installed.
Fine tuning of the system is almost complete and you should not experience any further problems; the system will perform faster after this is complete.

I understand my ISP is going to start selling swamp property in West Texas, too.

I haven't heard boo out of Kirk since I housesat. I need to call him anyway, because I am supposed to be working on the aforementioned estimate, but I will probably put it off until Friday.

I got Moogie's license tags. Oddly enough, this time I walked in and walked out in about three minutes. They need to clone the guy who was there the other night.

So much for my half-baked theories.

I am actually doing much better. Violet seems to be, too. Gurugrrl is doing better, but is having work woes. The rest seem to be having problems, still. So apparently my theory about moods doesn't work all the time.

It's okay, I'm used to being wrong. [smirk]

Things are going quite well with Gurugrrl; we seem to have largely gotten past the problems that we were having. Mostly, they seem to be that we had unvoiced (or unheard) concerns. All communications problems. We're redoubling efforts to talk, and to listen.

("And there was much rejoicing." Moreso than when they were forced to eat Sir Robin's minstrels.)

Things are going so much better that I'm in a state of glorious elation on the one hand and abject fear on the other. It's not an either-or state; apparently I haven't collapsed my state vector to either solution of the relationship's wave equation.

I am elated because this is the best possible outcome. Lately we've been entertaining each other with tales about how, for months, we were dropping hints and basically pursuing one another in a relatively passive way, thinking the other couldn't possibly be interested.

The more I think about her, the luckier I feel, because she's so much that I've wanted. It's just strange, when you're not looking, you find the right person. How could I not be happy?

Then again, I am extremely nervous that I will screw this up somehow. I always screw up a good thing (screwing up bad things is fine, but you'd think I'd give the good things a chance). Also, I can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind that one day she might "wake up" and come to her senses and tell me, "we have to talk." It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about that possibility.

I mean, let's be serious - even admitting this in a quasi-public forum might be screwing this up. Crafty and Poet advised me to suppress it and keep my worries to myself. But I don't want to be accused yet again of the high crime of keeping my feelings to myself, so I won't.

Anyway, I suspect Gurugrrl has similar feelings. Can she condemn me for something she is probably feeling herself? (Well, some people can. I don't think she's one of them, though. Knowing her, she'd say she is... so don't start! [smile])

I don't guess anything's really wrong with me. I think the muscle spasms I'd been having were from being too cold while I was walking. The muscles would get warm, but once I got to an unsheltered area along the track that cool air would blow across my legs, I'd have instant tightness. Application of sweatpants helped immensely.

Not like it matters right now. I haven't walked in... um... well, if I go tonight, it'll be the first time in one solid week. Exercise is good for mood stabilization, but it's just so hard to get myself to do it.

I couldn't sleep last night.

Partly, it was that I was on a Gurugrrl high last night. She's like a pep pill. I secretly hope I am one for her, too, but in a way, that's bad, since she works until all hours, so she needs her rest.

Partly, I updated the my graphics somewhat, and played with making a logo in Photoshop to share around with folks in the Bayou City 'Burb, but I couldn't come up with anything that looked acceptable at a resolution of less than 400 pixels wide (when your monitor is at 1600x1200 or better, you tend to forget that little bitty graphic is wider than most people's screens).

I answered some email. (This is an amazing thing. I swear I'm not letting it get this out of hand again. I have email from October, still. Oh, sorry. I meant October, 1998.)

But mostly? I played Quake.

Yes, I mean Quake, as in software-rendered, matte-finished, opaque water and glass, low-polygon-count Quake, none of this OpenGL Quake II crap, and certainly none of your newfangled need-a-video-card-that-cost-more-than-your-CPU Quake 3: Arena stuff. (I still can't believe I missed the Q3:A bus tour when it came to Houston.)

I have an unhealthy fascination with the game. I mean, I've been everywhere, done everything, tried out every conceivable strategy, know where every secret room and hidden area is. I've played about every deathmatch variation (except paintball, I never could get it to work). I have dreams that take place in some of the maps (especially DM3, "The Abandoned Base" and E4M3, "The Evil God Shrine"). At my last job I used to hang out at work some until midnight sometimes being Mr. LPB. Well, let's put it this way -- I added an extra drive to my machine at work back then, and a lot of that was to hold my 3 gigs of Quake mods, skins, sounds, maps, etc. (It can be good to be Benevolent Dictator of Technology.)

I think the reason I love Quake so much is that it allows me to turn my mind off. It's almost reflex, hardwired into my brain. I know the moves, I know the locations, I know the timing. So when I play I can think without fidgeting or wondering what I'm going to do with my body (I get fidgety), or just turn off completely and go along for the ride if I want to stop thinking or feeling. This is ideal for when I'm upset about something.

Last night was one of those nights. I've been playing a few maps a night in single-player mode, because I've been feeling the urge to telefrag Shub-Whutsizname, so it gave me a while to think while I racked up some maps.

Crafty gave me a mindful last night. She's having some personal and family problems right now, so I listen and try to make suggestions as appropriate, and talk to her about what's on her mind. I really wish I could make these things go away, but unfortunately, all I can do is lend an understanding ear.

But the other thing we talked about is a little ridiculous, given the state of the other problems she's having. Given the other things she has on her mind, I have to wonder why she's concerned about it at all.

As I mentioned before, I used to frequent some chat rooms for depression support. (Given the way things turned out, I use the term "support" loosely.) Well, in August one of the room founders died, not too long before I left, meaning there was some sort of "power vacuum," if such a term can be ascribed to an channel on IRC with a straight face. The group factionalized (worse than usual; it'd always been cliquish), and the de facto group leader and the other original founder of the room began to bicker about who would control things. (Control?)

This is supportive?

A lot of people there turned their backs on me all at once because of the whole ugly ordeal with Hypochondria (which I may write about at some point, but right now, let's just say I underwent a mass betrayal). Well, once I left, all this was still going on. In fact, it's been going on for a few months now, and it finally came to a head when the group split into two. The remaining original room founder remained behind, and the primary clique left to start their own place.

Fair enough. I wish everybody well. It's all in my past, whatever you people do is your own thing, all that rot. I know who my friends are, so... the rest of you get out of my life.

Well, when I came online and looked around for Crafty to shoot the breeze a while, almost immediately I got a message from the remaining founder (RF). She asked me if I would talk to her. I blinked twice and ignored the Hell out of it, even though there it was, in bright red, screaming at me in my server messages window.

I asked Crafty if she knew what that was about. She said that RF said that she was thinking about packing it in, that she was scared, everybody had abandoned her. In fact, Hypochondria and crew are treating her about the way they treated me. (Welcome to the club!) She also said that she had told RF about our plans to start our own social/support room, and she hoped I understood that she had to tell RF because she was wondering why Crafty was so evasive and hesitant about where she'd be after the split. She also wanted to know if I would be upset if she stayed.

I told her to do what she had to do for her own reasons, not because of me, which I think is perfectly reasonable. When she asked me if I could go back to that place if she did it, that's when I thought she definitely had a screw loose.

I guess nobody gets it. I go to this place at a particularly vulnerable time in my life, I meet a lot of people who hold out a hand to me, and offer their friendship. I built bonds with these people, and I thought they were real friends, when in fact, it was more like a fraternity rush -- I was being "tried out" for their little clique. I stepped outside the lines of conformity, so all support was withdrawn when I needed it. And it spread like wildfire. I found out who my friends really were, at least. Crafty was even caught up in it, somehow, getting backlash from the universal revilement of me.

So I can't go back there. Going back says to people that it's okay to treat people that way, or stand by quietly while it's happening.

But having it come back into my life now is upsetting. I need closure with that past and the hurt they did to me. I thought I was past it all, yet here it is again. What's worse, like an idiot, I sent an ICQ message to RF asking her what she wanted, but have yet to hear back, because, as I told Gurugrrl, I am too willing to give chances to others when I feel sorry for the predicaments they find themselves in.

What I wonder is: why Crafty is letting it bother her so much? I mean, it's just an IRC channel; she already told me she doesn't plan on spending a lot of time over at the new one, and she told me this evening that she isn't sure she could go with RF for a long period of time. Apparently she trusts her about as much as I do. (My reason? I've seen her in action. The room got unregistered after the other founder died, because nobody was around to re-register it. I happened to notice, and reregistered it before somebody else did, making me de facto owner (which was funny, considering I was largely persona non grata). RF acted like my biggest, bestest buddy until I gave it back to her. Then for the most part, I didn't exist; when I got upset, she played victim with me. What's more, she didn't even wait for me to give it back - she snatched it away from me while I was in the process of transferring it because once I transferred it, she would need the password. And the whole time, her cronies were nearby, yukking it up. (And I thought my paranoia was bad! She kept thinking I wouldn't give it back.) Then and there, I knew I was in the wrong place, I wasn't getting support anymore, I was just getting unnecessary stress.)

Whatever happens, I need to put this whole thing in my past. It's not worth the stress. What happens, happens. I want to talk to Crafty some more, first, and see what's up. Right now I don't think she needs any more on her mind than she has right now, to be perfectly honest.

restlessmind