Listening: "Telegraph Road" from Dire Straits� album "Love Over Gold" Awaiting(?): Tonight�s premiere of "Harsh Realm" on FOX. I can�t believe I�m going to be a scab and watch the show replacing "Millennium".

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I�ve been feeling hopelessly insecure about Gurugrrl lately.

You see, things had been going quite well between us. (Please note the use of past tense). I was on cloud nine, and I think maybe she was, too. It was moving onward quite nicely, and I was caught up in it. Life didn�t seem to be so bad.

And then... suckage started.

I felt (and still feel, really) that we have a lopsided relationship. I was worried about reciprocity between us being able to contact and give to the other. Also, I�ve wondered if she really trusts me. I�ve felt like she�s keeping me distant, and while we both have our respective issues, I thought perhaps there was a greater reason she was keeping me distant, such as perhaps there�s somebody in her life locally, or she was having second thoughts about me or maybe this other guy she was interested in was coming back in the picture. I�m not good at being second-fiddle, I�d rather just disappear than deal with that, at least at this point in the relationship.

When I feel like I am being put out to pasture I�m certainly going to get� upset. Well, if you want to sit right down and name it, I got cold and distant. And being cold and distant with Gurugrrl made her upset, cold and distant, with good reason.

We got past the general paranoia of the time by me simply dropping the issues of reciprocity and hoping that maybe they�d improve with time, and her convincing me I have no reason to be jealous or worried.

Unfortunately, the worrisome feelings hung on. Thus, the last few days, I�ve been having more suckage.

You see, Gurugrrl has been throwing herself into her work and more activities. She told me she was feeling better, was working on herself, as I should be working on myself, so we can have a long-term chance together. However, because of this I have been seeing less and less of her. This has engendered fears that maybe she doesn�t need me, or even want me around now. Maybe she wants somebody who can share things with her. Be there with her, share these events in her life.

Unfortunately, right now, that�s not me. I�m trapped here, broken brain and all, trying to figure out from day to day if I can hang on in this holding pattern while I try to find out exactly what the county is going to do to help me, if anything. I couldn�t be much of anything for her if I was there, the state I�m in.

I started to wonder if maybe it would be better for her if she did find somebody to spend her time with there. She deserves someone with her. Unfortunately, when I aired these concerns last night, she told me that she seems to think I am trying to push her away, get her to go. Was I trying to send her a message with these concerns?

This couldn�t be further from the actual case. I long to be near her, spend the days with her doing everything or even nothing except be there, share our lives with each other. I�ve not met anybody as intriguing as her since Geegee, and I don�t plan on letting her get away unless she decides I�m not right for her. Granted, I saw myself going to Austin or California when I finally get out of this cesspool, but wherever she is, I�ll be there.

She made it plain that I was the one she wants to share her life with, though. That made me feel better, and today so far, the paranoia and cynicism are being held in check. Maybe these feelings have finally subsided. Maybe all these pills I�m taking are finally helping my mood. Or maybe they�re waiting in the shadows in the corner for me to let my guard down, so they can pounce and wreak havoc on my life again.

�(Today's title comes from a mangling of an entry from The Jargon File.)

restlessmind

Ancient history:

2013-03-01

"You'll be stone dead in a moment!"

2007-08-07

I covet fuck you money

2007-07-16

My own long, dark tea-time of the soul

2007-07-11

My internet experience is lacking

2007-07-10

Coincidence